The Big O

Well, Lopez has dropped and we're officially in the TWW. Again.

How did the insems go? Fine. Except my body decided to go into warp speed. I went from a fairly negative OPK to HOLY SHIT I'M GOING TO OVULATE in 24 hours. This means our plans to insem every other day flew out the window.

So, I call DtD and tell him we're going to have to insem Wednesday night when we'd been planning to skip that day. We made the mistake of telling him we weren't going to insem until Thursday and didn't add the caveot of "probably".

He says..."I don't think I can do it tonight."

I had nothing to say to that. Mama was NOT happy. I'm standing in the kitchen, looking at M., wanting her to get on the phone and chew his ass out because I have NOTHING to say to THAT.

I announce to M. as I'm holding the phone with DtD on the other end, "He said he can't do it."

We worked it out and he did come (he he, I'm thirteen) over. Except by the time he got to the house I was PISSED. Sacha pissed is not pretty. I'm sitting on the couch sending daggers across the room as the poor boy apologizes for being crabby earlier. Jessica says "aww, he's good boy." And he is.

All is well.

We're going to our first visit to the OB/GYN this morning, then acupuncture, then gift shopping and dinner with M.'s 'rents. That's all folks.

Round Five: T minus 2.5 hours and counting...

DtD and the swim team are scheduled for 19:00.

I've nested today. Scrubbed the entry way to the house. Mopped the floors. Made cookies. Made veggie enchiladas (minus the cheese, ::nods to damp spleen::) We're going for a walk at 17:00. I have new p.j. bottoms to wear tonight ($4.00 on sale, baby!). We're going to make lemonade when we come home. The sun is still shining. Life is good.

So, the NAME. This round will be hence forth known as...LOPEZ.

Why Lopez? It's from a Kids in the Hall skit (season one, episode 113). Mark McKinney spends an inordinate amount of time standing outside a house yelling the name "Lopez" to the point that you can't help but crack up.

Plus Washington State (Say WA?) is the home of Lopez Island in the San Juans, one of my favorite places to go. I spent a magical night on a sail boat anchored at Spencer Spit (on Lopez), watching the water sparkle with phosperescence.

Please welcome Lopez!

New Pics, and that's all folks...

I'm feeling so tapped out and so tired from the whole TTC roller coaster, I don't even have a thought left in my grey matter. But I still have the digi. So...

NEW PICS!

Off for a ride on the ferry boat...

You would not believe the day we are having in Seattle. It's the kind of day that if the world knew we had such splendor, our population would be tripling in about five minutes. The sky is blue, not a cloud in sight, the temp is about seventy, there's a cool breeze blowing, things are in bloom, everywhere you look there's green.

So please, Grey's Anatomy, keep showing the gloomy downpour. This is amazing.

We're heading out for a ferry boat ride to go have dinner with the 'rents. It is the perfect evening for a ride on the ferry. Tomorrow we're continuing to clean house. Tuesday I'm baking then we're sticking sperm up my twat (oh, you thought I could make it through ONE post without being lewd...NOPE.)

I hope everyone else is having a spectacular SUNday.

Present from Jessica

It's nice when your friends think of you. This pic is from Jess who knows how much we love (love, love, I mean LOVE) cupcakes. She's in NYC for the weekend and thought of us. Mmmm....

DING: Round Five

We're getting ready for round five. Talked with DtD last night and got his schedule. Probably should have waited until today to chat because I didn't realize how tired I was until I got onto the phone and started to ramble...and ramble...and ramble.

Changes? We're trying every other day this time. Prob. Tues, Thurs, Fri then Sat if I ovulate later than expected.

Today I finally felt ready. I've been feeling ever so slightly down about this. I keep seeing women with babies, pointing to them and telling M. "look, they're allowed to have babies." TTC sucks, folks.

Goal for the day....find a doc. I want an appointment soon.

UPDATE: Found a doc and we have an appt. a week from today. I'm excited - the doc even has clinic at the hospital I work at so I could go see her if I need bloodwork during the week!

In the meantime, I'm focusing my energy on neighborhood activism. And I just got a bite on a email I sent to a local columnist. Yay!

UPDATE: looks like I'll be interviewed by said columnist as soon as she "gets off deadline". It could still fall through, but YAY!

Become a Nurse!

I'm going to plug nursing because today I’m happy being a nurse.

The kind of nursing I do is not glamorous. It’s nursing in the trenches with heavy patient loads and little respect. Still, when I go home I know that I’ve used everything I have in my being to get myself through my day.

When I started nursing I felt I’d been plunged into the depths of hell. Between the learning curve and the harshness of the environment, I seriously questioned whether or not it was worth it. I was bitter, disillusioned, and angry at the wide gulf between my view of nursing as an idealistic nursing student and the reality of being a floor nurse.

Now I love it. I get to use every single part of me in my job: my brain, my body, my soul, my self. I earn my money like never before. I have to problem-solve constantly. No matter how much I learn there’s always more out there. And I’m never bored.

Which is why today I’m happy being a nurse. I hope anyone else out there considering nursing as a career will consider it seriously. There’s just nothing like it out there.

The Totally Creep Purity Ball

We have Tivo and every once in a while it picks up something actually interesting, usually off public television. Tivo's latest contribution to our learning experience was an edition of Now discussing the work of anti abortion activists in N. Dakota.

One of the events profiled on Now was The Purity Ball.

It consisted of thirteen year old girls all dressed up in prom dresses, with their hair done and corsages firmly fastened around their wrists. Their dates weren't pubescent boys hoping to get lucky but their fathers. They had pictures, you know, prom pictures, taken with the DADS. And at the end of the evening they turned and faced their fathers, put their hands in his, gazed deeply into his eyes, and vowed to save themselves until marriage. Their virginity would be a gift to their future husband.
THE WORLD'S CREEPIEST PROM. CREEPY WITH A DOUBLE SQUICK FACTOR.

Not one boy was in sight, taking a pledge to never go all the way, to only masturbate his little heart out and keep his pants zipped. Because everyone knows that we wouldn't have teen pregnancy if we didn't have slutty girls.

Introducing Culinarian

Hello all!

I'm shamelessly plugging my latest project and attempt at distraction. Co, Charlotte and I are starting a FOOD BLOG.

I'm resurrecting my long neglected Culinarian food blog as a lesbian food version of The View, minus Star Jones. We're going to talk food. All types of food. All aspects of food. Recipes, cookbooks, politics, and the occasional ode to celery.

Culinarian

Check us out!

Shiny and Red and MINE!!!

I have this huge mental list of things I'd like to have some day and on that list is a red Radio Flyer wagon. It's not for any future child. It's just for me. I'd like to be able to put my gardening gear in it and pull it to our community garden a few blocks away.

I'm not going to shell out $50.00 just to have this silly little red wagon.

Well, I found one on Craig's List for $15.00. It's barely used, some little girl just never loved it as much as I will. It's shiny and red and just so, so pretty. We picked it up tonight and Friday I'm going to load it up and pull it down the block.

Maybe I'll share it with future child. Maybe not.

M. can confirm that I really am a child trapped in an almost-thirty five year old body.

Chat Time!

Hey if you're around Monday afternoon at 4pm PST, come join us and Whimsy in a private chat room, "DykesWhoWantTykes" on babycenter.com. We had fun chatting today but had a small group. Hope to see more of you over there tomorrow.

Day 16: Update

I didn't take the progesterone and my period started this morning. I really don't think I was pregnant and both M. and were getting sick of waiting for A.F. so we could move on.

I'm going to leave my beloved family practice doc and find an OBGYN to help guide us into our next cycles. I can't take drugs like this without having some good idea of the outcome. My doc never prescribed progesterone specifically for luteal phase extension but for pregnancy support.

Sara, your input really helps. A ton. Well, except that now I feel like I may have purposely aborted Bambi.

Day 16: WTF????

We have another plan. Test last night, if we get a negative, don't take the progesterone, wait for my period to start so we can get going on cycle five.

We test.

We get a negative.

It's over.

Except it's not.

My temp is up this morning.

WTF????

I'm still spotting brown, no red...it's increasing...I'm starting to get clots with the spotting...lord jebus, my period should be starting...MY TEMP IS UP...

We're not sure if I'm going to take the progesterone today or not. I really don't think I'm preggers (another negative this morning) and I'm really tired of this. But what if I am? Maybe I have a lazy one armed, no spine* little Bambi that's trying to stick around.

*M. says there's no reason Bambi would have one arm and no spine if she is sticking around but she's clearly lazy if she's implanting this late. I'm just feeling dramatic.

Day 14: And you thought it was all over...

We're stuck in TTC purgatory.

So I spotted yesterday morning. And my temp dropped this morning. It's over.

BUT IS IT??? (queu dramatic reality show music.)

I only had bright red spotting ONCE yesterday A.M. and none since. Only three (two yesterday, one today) instances of brown. This is significantly less than my usual spotting prior to starting my period. The bright red spotting was accompanied by crappy, awful cramps and nausea. Only light cramps since then - damn close to nothing. NOTHING.

It could be the progesterone fucking with my body, keeping my period from starting. If that's the case, WHY DID I SPOT????

And how are we doing? Well, we had a day of shopping therapy and bought some awesome stuff. Stuff salves the wounded soul. I don't feel like I'm preggers, I don't feel like I'm not. I've hit the stable, calm plane of nothingness.

M. thinks I'm probably not pregnant. I keep asking her if that's the case, could I please, PLEASE have a margarita? She keeps saying NO. Instead I had three cups of coffee at brekkie. Isn't that much coffee supposed to cause miscarriage? If so, WHY AM I NOT BLEEDING????

New Plan B: if I don't start my period over the weekend, we're going to the doc for a blood test so we can know if a) Bambi is sticking around after all or b) I need to stop the progesterone so Aunt Flo can make her appearance.

Love to all. Thanks for being part of S&M's crazy ride. He he.

Day 13: Zoe is Still the Baby

Well, I'm spotting. Bambi is over. Zoe says she's still NUMBER ONE! Actually, she said "Mommy, this blanket is really nice to nap under."

Onto round five. I'm feeling frustrated. There is nothing obviously wrong with me. I ovulate regularly. Our timing is great. We have the advantage of fresh sperm. My progesterone is normal. I took the @#!! progesterone suppositories and it barely pushed out my luteal phase. Why the HELL aren't I getting pregnant???

WHY????

Sometimes it feels like it works for everyone else.

I can't stand to see another pregnant woman. I can't bear to hear about another birth and another happy new family. And I feel like the biggest BITCH in the world for feeling this way.

I need to re-find my inner Miss Merry Sunshine.

Day 12: Blah!

Still going. No period. No BFP. Just a lonely little HPT who I know wants to tell me good news.

Tomorrow is the horoscope day. M. thinks I'm setting myself up for a big downfall, an even bigger bawling fit than I had this morning (mood swings or stress, I can't tell the diff anymore).

Anyhoo, we're pushing the beta out to Friday.

In the meantime, we're off to see Sarah Harmer.

Day 11: Midnight Panic and Security Blankets

I woke up at midnight and my heart was beating so loudly I could hear it in my ears. I’d gone to bed perfectly calm but now…NOT CALM. I lay there for two hours until I finally woke M., whined A LOT and told her that the only way I could get back to sleep was to POAS RIGHT NOW.

So we did.

Negative.

But my urine was quite dilute. I think the whole test should be thrown out.

Day 11. Still no period. Still no spotting. Mild cramps this morning. And my temp is up. Things are still looking good. Lordy, I really NEED that BFP. I can’t imagine how bad this is going to hurt when we find out that I’m not pregnant.

We have a plan. I always need a plan. Plans are my security blankets in life. Unless my period shows up tomorrow, we’re going in for a beta on Thursday. We need to know if I’m preggers, or if I need to stop the progesterone so my period can rear its ugly head.

The Food-a-Thon Continues

For dinner, lentils with wine glazed veggies over toast and steamed asparagus with a lemon vinaigrette.

Other distractions: coffee milk chocolate chip bundt cake with a coffee-sugar wash. I mean, YUM.

M. is really wanting to kill me right now. If it makes her feel better, I'm going to take my beautiful bundt cake to work to share with my coworkers tomorrow.

If I'm preggers, or at least WHEN I'm preggers, how will I cope with having no energy and not being able to bake and cook like a maniac? I'm going to lose part of myself.

Day 10: Distraction and a Sandwich

So by today we would usually be driven crazy, I'd probably be spotting and in pure desperation, we'd have peed on a stick this morning guaranteeing that I'd start my period this evening.

Okay, I'm being a little dramatic.

We're starting to feel the crazies, but not too bad.

Our original plan was to wait longer to POAS this time because of the progesterone and the assumption that my luteal phase would push out. But things are looking GOOD. Temps are up. I'm not spotting AT ALL, only those two instances around what could have been implantation.

Our original POAS day is Thursday (something to do with some random horoscope I read) but we're considering tomorrow morning. Because although she won't admit it, M. thinks i'm preggers and thinks it would be nice to get confirmation sooner than later.

In the meantime, here's my new favorite veggie sandwich recipe. I can't stop eating these, they are SO good:

2 slices of whole wheat bread (Seattle area peeps, Old Mill Bread Company honey whole wheat at PCC is the BEST)
1/2 advocado, sliced
1 roma tomato, sliced
1 BIG handful sprouts (sub lettuce if you're a sprout hater)
Drunken Goat artisan goat cheese (it's soaked in wine), sliced
Mama Lil's peppers (another Seattle thing, get a jar if you can)
Mayo
Salt and Pepper to taste

Toast the bread (a must). Spread each slice with mayo. Layer onto slices: advocado, tomato, cheese and a few Mama Lil's peppers. Salt and pepper. Top with sprouts. Put slices together. Enjoy.

New Pics

New Pics

Some from our outting today. This one is shot through my kaleidoscope.

Bad Date

M. and I never really dated. We're one of those friends-who-fall-in-love-then-come-out-together couples. And while that's kind of cute, it means we were living together immediately and never really got to date.

Now we date. Just every once in a while.

I woke this morning and informed M. that our movie outting today should be a DATE and she should plan it. It's been amusing. She's been trying to reel me into the planning process and I'm having NONE of it. He he.

After all, it's a date, and this girl wants to be picked up and swept away.

Photo Friday: Body Part

My Mouth

My body and I have reached a comfortable truce. It has a fat tummy, blotchy, scarred skin, droopy eyes, greying hair, a flat ass and uncomfortably large breast. It's also mine. I have no choice but to live with it. So I accept it. The good things about it is that it's strong, sturdy beyond all belief. It can do anything it wants to, even with some effort. My heart works fine. My lungs take in air. My mind whirs constantly.

I feel I am so deeply imperfect that the only way to stay sane is to accept my imperfections. I will be the last person to tell you that I have no worth.

So I choose my mouth as my favorite body part. Not my lips, not my teeth, not my tongue but my mouth. Because it can form words, give pleasure and receive pleasure. Afterall, what is life without pleasure.

Moments you wish you had your digi

We were walking at our favorite park yesterday with our friend Jessica (and Maya Snowpants) and we came upon a...

TURTLE.

He was sitting in the grass, probably about eight inches long. I'm pretty sure he was wild because his shell was kind of mossy and dirty. He had a yellow belly and red stripes on the side of his face. Maya wanted to eat him (yes, she's a dog). I named him Mr. T. and we watched him make his way across the lawn. Right there in the middle of the city. A turtle!

I wish I'd had the digi.

Day Eight: Hanging in There

Day eight and we're still doing okay. I guess my vow to not blog-obsess about the TWW during the the TWW has been tossed out the window. Except for four nightmares, I managed to sleep all the way until my usual temp time: 05:00.

Day eight. Normally we'd be testing in a couple days but because of the progesterone we're going to wait until Thursday. And I'm okay. I'm not sitting here contimplating every little ache and twinge.

Day eight. M. is doing okay too. She's feeling positive, more positive than at the beginning at the cycle.

Day eight. All is calm. I can't tell you how good it feels just to be calm. If our little bambino is implanting, she's getting two nice, calm mums at the moment.

I'm home alone with a pound of butter...you know what that means...BAKING TIME!!! Today's project: lemon bundt cake with a lemon soak and a lemon glaze.

Spotty McSpot

I really don't want to start the crazies again, but here it goes.

I saw it yesterday. A faint blush of rose, the lightest of light pinks. Just once. And it was there again today. M. can verify it this time. I'm not going crazy.

But I am.

Somehow I'd managed to banish hope to the dark recesses of my mind this time. I could blame everything on the progesterone, or my head, or anything else but being FUCKING pregnant. Except now we have a temp drop (not progesterone, not my crazy head) and spotting. Good lord, fucking crazy SPOTTING.

SPOTTING!!!

Okay, some people have spotting normally. But I don't. Well, not at six and seven DPO.

Damn you, Hope. We're going for walk.

Go Bambi. Hang in there kiddo.

Pretty, pretty chart

I'm starting to think I should have gone onto progesterone a long time ago. Taking it is really helping my mental state because I feel that all of my temps and signs/symptoms are completely and utterly meaningless.

Now M. and I can just sit back and enjoy my pretty chart.

And it is very pretty. Even if it's full of shit, it's pretty, pretty shit. I'm officially a hot wanna-be-mama. I've had my highest. temp. ever. I've even made up a song for my chart. You sing "pretty pretty chart" to the tune of "Starry, Starry Night"*.

Six days into The Wait, still holding it together.

*I never promised it was a good song!

Stress on all Sides

We're not that far into the TTC process but we're all starting to show the stress.

I'm feeling like I've given up on my body. In my better moments I can understand that there's not anything significantly wrong and this pregnancy thing takes time, and we're still well within normal range for getting pregnant. In my worst moments I feel like my body has betrayed me.

M. is busy trouble shooting, trying to tweak the process to eliminate all reasons within our control why this isn't working.

The convienences of near-pregnancy

We're on day four of the TWW and nowhere near insanity. For the first time I actually marginally care if I'm pregnant or not. I think the hell of the last cycle wore me out. Right now I'm in the stage of WHATEVER. I might be preggers, I'm probably not.

In the meantime, I've discovered the benefits of near-pregnancy. For example, if I want to have more than half my share of that delicious chocolate chip cookie at lunch...ahem..."eating for two!" A few more chips..."eating for two!"

M. says I can't be pregnant when convienent.

More Evil than M...

That is me! I knew I would be more evil than her. It's pretty much a given.

BTW, this is post #200!!!!!!

You Are 54% Evil

You are evil, but you haven't yet mastered the dark side. Fear not though - you are on your way to world domination.

How Evil Are You?

Wow, better than I thought I'd get

You Are 20% Evil

You are good. So good, that you make evil people squirm. Just remember, you may need to turn to the dark side to get what you want!

How Evil Are You?

Ok, had to take the quiz since many of you are taking it with such high evil scores. Kind of makes me wonder who my friends are now.
: )

Frolicking in the Meadow of My Fallopian Tubes

Bambi has officially dropped. We're officially in 2WW #4.

Think positive. It's really all we have at the moment. Go swim team. Go Bambi. Go everyone!