DtD Meets Finn

DtD came over last night and met Finn.

It was funny. The first thing he said was "have you figured out who he looks like?" I've partly been expecting DtD to say that Finn is a carbon copy of him because I just can't see ME in the baby. I guess he doesn't look like either of us, which furthers my theory that that beautiful baby couldn't possibly have come out of ME...there must have been a switch in the OR.

Everything went fine. M. and I were nervous before he came over. We've been anxious for him to meet Finn but we also didn't know what to expect. We hung out, DtD held Finn and did really well with Mr. Fussy Pants. We talked about what DtD was like as a baby - he's going to scan in some pics of him as a baby so we can see what he looked like. Finn was really sweet with him and actually did his little tired nuzzle while he was holding him. It was all pretty normal feeling.

Using a known donor has been nerve wracking at times, but we just couldn't have picked a better guy. He always comes through and M. and I are so grateful.

...and they're done!

We're home.

Finn did really well. He was on the boob for two of the shots then had to cry. Our poor boy turned bright red and that cry was really a IT HURTS cry. Then he ate some more and went to sleep.

I'll be glad when our boy is back. I miss his smiles already and it's only been a couple hours.

Stats on the boy: head 75th percentile, weight just below 50th percentile and length 75th percentile. He's our tall, skinny boy.

Shots Today

M. and I have been dreading this day. The day of shots.

I'm not going to get into the immunization debate. I can only state what we're doing and why. We're immunizing because I'm way to intimate with the destruction disease can wreak. And I could bring something home that could hurt Finn. It's too scarey. A lot of the nurses I know who have children won't wear their clothes home and leave their shoes outside. There's just this acute awareness of our ability to carry our work home to our families.

At the same time, we're not going into this blindly. We've looked at all the immunizations and will probably skip some of them. Not any today but some of the ones he could get later.

Our appointment is at 11:15. It's for all three of us...the joy of having a family practice doc! We're planning to come straight home and just hang out for the rest of the day so the boy can get some rest. We have our thermometer and Tylenol ready. I'm going to breastfeed him when he gets his shots.

Wah!

Breast Feeding

BFing is making freakin' hungry ALL THE TIME. It's worse than when I was pregnant. Everywhere we go we have to pack snacks. M. and I thought we'd have to pack snacks for our toddler, not for me.

I started baking these high calorie muffins as a snack. They have oat bran, whole wheat flour, carrots, dried cherries & currants, pecans and coconut. I make them with the really high fat greek yogurt and coconut oil. They're good but they still don't cut it.

The only thing that helps? Ice cream. I actually bought Ben and Jerry's frozen yogurt to see if it might work since I'm ingesting a huge amount ice cream. Nope. Gotta be the real stuff - nice, fatty ice cream.

Finn on his playmat

Finn's New Play Mat

Finn has a new play mat! It arrived in the mail yesterday and we're so excited. So far he appears to like it. We even had scream-free tummy time. It's not buying us a lot free time, but I don't think he's really ready for a long of a period of playing yet. He's still a little guy, after all.

Here are some pics:

Natural Birth

We go to a support group for new parents once a week and this past week the leader asked one of the newcomers if her birth was vaginal or a c-section. She answered..."natural".

Natural.

As I listened to her, I felt sad for the very first time since Finn's birth. Sad about my c-section. Sad that we weren't able to accomplish the unmedicated vaginal birth we'd prepared so well for. Sad that I had ANY sadness around the birth of our boy.

Now I'm on the other side of the natural birth discussion and I'm starting to understand the weight the word "natural" carries. People use the term "natural" in the context of birth all of the time. I personally have always preferred "unmedicated" because it's a much more accurate and neutral way of stating it. A natural birth is a vaginal birth, which can be accomplished with or without pain medications. And I still hate that my birth wasn't natural, that it was accomplished with a scalpal and the skills of a surgeon.

M. was feeling the same way. There's just an element of sadness around Finn's birth that will always be there. It's part of the experience and part of how he came to us. Most of the time that's okay and every once in a while it's just sad.

Surviving

Finn has been putting us to the test the last couple days. All of the sudden we have a screaming baby on our hands. This is hard enough in general but worse when you're not used to it. We have spent literally hours sitting on the ball and bouncing him until our bodies hurt.

We're surviving.

It's like we're back to the days right after we brought him home. Sleep deprived, bleary eyed, with pretty much no reserve left. Good times.

Having a child makes child abuse understandable. Not justifiable. Not acceptable. Just understandable. Having a new baby is an incredibly challenging experience. Mix in someone who has poor to no coping skills, who never had good modeling of parenting themselves, who can't manage their frustration and anger, who might be using drugs or alcohol...it's a dangerous combination.

Things will get better. They always do. They already are as M. is feeding our happy boy in the living room and we actually got some decent (decent in the context of having a baby) sleep.

First Family Photo

Finn, M. and I had our first family photos done last week and the pics are back from the photographer. Tee hee. Here's one of my faves featuring my boob. I think it's sweet.

Some more of the pics here!**

**If you checked when the album was private, I've made it public...that's what happens when you upload photos in the middle of the night.

Tsunami at Baby Cabo

Last week as we were staring at sleeping Finn in the wee hours of the morning as he grunted like a little piggy, M. and I decided it was time to send him packing to Baby Cabo. He could have grunting contests with all the other babies there and have all the tequila flavored breast milk he could drink. We needed a break from Sir Grunts-a-Lot. No one tells you how noisey a sleeping baby can be.

The last couple days our poor boy has been having little baby nightmares. He'll be sleeping soundly then all the sudden let out this horrid cry. But he's still asleep. Just dreaming.

We think perhaps he's dreaming of a tsunami at Baby Cabo. Or of being left alone in his car seat. Or something else equally horrible, like not getting the boob IMMEDIATELY.

It's absolutely heartbreaking. My poor little boy. He's going to have plenty of time in his life to be upset and scared. I hate thinking that it's happening sooner than necessary.

Cats, cats everywhere!

Mr. Fussy Pants is 100% crashed out and it's a GOOD thing. Yay!

Beth has requested an update on how the cats are dealing with Finn. Just to clarify, we are borderline CRAZY cat ladies with FOUR cats. Clearly we needed a baby a long, long time ago.

We didn't have a lot of time to get the girls used to the fact that a baby was coming into the house. The best we could do was bring one of his hats home from the hospital and let them sniff it. If we'd had time, I would have loved to bring in recordings of a baby crying as well.

When we brought Finn home, the girls were kicked out of the bedroom. For years it's been me, M. and four cats on the bed. Now they have to sleep in the living room and not with us. It's not that I'm worried about them hurting the baby. It's mainly that they will disrupt his sleep and ours as well. Having a cat sitting on you purring doesn't help with going to sleep.

We've had some minimal acting up but nothing major. Only one really challenges me on going into the back of the house as I'm stumbling into the living room for a 3 am breast feeding (I can't become proficient at side lying too soon!). They're not fed on time as much any more. They have to ask for attention when they want it and they still may not get it.

Our two oldest, Tamu and Mischa, were quick to figure out who was getting the attention and that they have a higher chance of getting attention if they get near him. Mischa simply doesn't understand that she CAN'T WALK ON THE BABY!!! "Mischa, don't walk on the baby..." is a phrase heard around our house on a regular basis.

Sophie, our dilute calico, could really care less. She lives under the coffee table and head butts our feet when she wants pets.

Zoe...oh, our poor little baby who isn't the baby anymore. She's doing amazingly well considering. I think a big part of it is that she's always been good about asking for what she needs. She does act up a little bit more...running around like a maniac now and then. She is so sweet and that's shining through. I try really hard to make special time for her. It's hard.

I just read an article that cited a study showing that children who grow up in a household with 2 or more pets will have a 50% less chance of allergies and develop a greater sense of empathy. I can't wait for Finn to start to pay attention to his furry sissies.

They are still my babies. They're just not my BABY.

Baby Time

Baby time is an amazing thing. The entire world slows down to a crawl. Normally this would drive me crazy but I'm learning to LOVE it. Baby time rocks.

Our world is so much more relaxed. Our entire day is about hanging out, taking walks and playing. Yeah, there are dishes and laundry somewhere in there, and somehow that kind of stuff seems to be getting done. I was so anxious about housework when we got home with Finn but I'm learning to work fast when I have that spare 10 minutes.

I admit it...I'm 100% loving having a baby. I'm just spending time with Finn and letting the rest of the world rush by. Everyone should be on Baby Time, even sans baby. It would make the world a much better place.

It's a beautiful day for being on BABY TIME!!!

Finn Playing with Keys

Too cute! We're off for a walk because we have Mr. Fussy Pants on our hands again.

Mothers' Day

I've been going back on forth on whether or not I want to write about some of the stuff going on with my mother. I've decided to bring it to light. Watch out because this is long...

Mothers' Day

We had a mostly good Mothers' Day. M. and I both have parents in the area so we all got together for a really good brunch. Afterward we went to M.'s parents house and just chilled. It was the perfect pace for people permanently stuck on baby time.

But there were parts that were bad.

My parents usually pay for both M. and I when we go out for meals. It's been this way for the duration of our relationship. My parents picked MOTHERS' DAY as a time to start quibbling over whether or not they would pay for M. or if her parents should pay. This might be okay if it didn't happen the night before Moms' Day with no prior arrangements with M.'s parents. Her parents would basically go to brunch expecting to pay for themselves and be ambushed by my parents into paying for M. I'm just glad I was told the night before or we'd never be doing anything as an entire family again.

I've been really hurt over this. It's taken a few days of thinking about it and I've finally figured out why.

In male/female relationships, it is the responsibility of the man to make Mothers' Day special. In female/female relationships no one has the responsibility. So I had developed an expectation that the responsibility for making our first Mothers' Day special should fall onto the shoulders of my parents. I know they didn't recognize this, but it made their quibbling over $35 feel particularly hurtful. Especially because they aren't exactly poor and they've ALWAYS paid for us when we all go out.

All I wanted for our Mothers' Day was to have my whole family together and to have the brunch we missed at Easter because we'd just brought Finn home. Because of M. being laid off, our finances are tight and the gift I wanted from my parents was for them to pay for our meal. Instead we not only paid for our own Mothers' Day brunch, we didn't even get a card from my parents. Or flowers. Just a mylar balloon...for ME. Yes, you know what's coming.

I know I sound whiney and spoiled. I probably am quite spoiled, although I NEVER take my parents generousity for granted. I call them, show up for family functions, send cards, acknowledge important occasions, arrive on time and often put aside things we are doing to spend time with them.

And YES, we did give both our mothers a card and gift...awesome, customized little brag books of Finn from Shutterfly.

The Smother Mother

The other issue with my mom is that she's smothering us when it comes to Finn. My parents visit once a week. She calls every single day. When she's here, she hovers over me and constantly asks to hold Finn. Right when I need my mother the most, she is refusing to be a mother to me. Being a grandmother is all consuming for her.

At the brunch Finn was really fussy. There was just too much to look at. We had to hold him constantly and bounce him to help soothe him.

Instead of letting us take care of him, my mother was constantly trying to hold him. When she did, he would fuss. She was trying to take pictures, asking M. to stop bouncing him so she could take one. All that did was start Finn crying again. At one point she started shaking the mylar balloon at Finn as he cried and I had to tell her to stop because it was too much stimulation.

Then the topper...I gave Finn to M. and got up to get some food. He started fussing and my mother said "Oh, he wants his mother."

Um, yeah. Nevermind that HIS MOTHER was holding him.

So, we're going a little crazy. I know she loves him. I know she means well. But she's being entirely inappropriate on so many levels. It's a little like having her decide to have the circumcision discussion one day post c-section...her timing is CRAP. Here we are, new parents, and because of her behavior, we have to deal with something that we shouldn't have to deal with right now. Instead of taking care of us, my mother is only taking care of herself...even at the expense of Finn and his needs.

On the Go with the Boy

M. and Finn at Pike Place Market...how Seattle!

We have successfully completed our first day trip with Finn. Yay! It was down to Tacoma for Mothers' Day brunch then to M.'s parents house. More on that later...

Neither M. or I feel the world needs to be child-proofed for us. I mean, I'm happy there are places for people who neither have not want children. I'm glad there are environments free of screaming, hyperactive children.

BUT...

There really need to be more kid friendly bathrooms. Trying to figure out where to change Finn is REALLY challenging at times, especially since we have a small car and no room to change him there. We went to the market with M.'s parents and aunt and we ended up having to ask the clerk at a children's store to use their non-public restroom for his dipe change.

I can see why moms love the mall. We have to seriously think about where we're going and how we're going to handle a diaper change while we're out.

Visitors

Having visitors in the evening is really hard for us. We're both learning to tell people to come around 10 am.

M.'s aunt from Cali is in town and her parents came up last night, picked up Aunt S. and came over for dinner. M. and I made salad, dressing and asparagus, as well as heated up garlic bread. We cleaned up the house. We gave Finn a bath.

By the time everyone showed up we were well into Finn's usual wind-down time. This is from around 6 pm to 10 pm when we get him into his night swaddle and I breast feed him into oblivion.

Last night he got passed around and played with. Because we were sitting down for dinner, I couldn't breast feed him as much as I'm used to. M. got him to sleep in the sling so I could eat and hang out, but we missed out on that time to nurse - I'd usually just shove food in my mouth while he's eating.

It's hard to assert ourselves for Finn's needs when we want him to be able to spend time with his grandparents and great aunt too.

As a result, we ended up with Sir Grunts-a-lot for hours last night. This morning I buried my head in my pillow and told M. to take him away to his morning bottle since I just couldn't handle the grunts anymore. Then I looked at our happy, smiling, cooing son and just melted.

At least he got some sleep.

Happy Birthday to Me!

M & Finn

Well, I'm 36.

How did we mark the day?

We went to our First Weeks group, then we bought a ridiculously expensive diaper bag...the ridiculously cheap one from Land's End is just too small. Yes, it cost us a small bundle. Yes, we LURVE it. It's pretty and orange and blue and has lots and lots of pockets and we feel rather GRAND carrying it.

My parents brought me a cake...red velvet. In usual MY parents style, they frosted it while it was hot so it was quite strange looking. S'okay because it's cake and I'm a CAKE WHORE. Okay, perhaps I wouldn't actually whore myself, which makes me a CAKE SLUT.

Finn is Fussy Finn tonight and has refused to go to bed at any decent time...decent being before 10 pm. This is the price of the social smile. I sang him to sleep with the "Let's go out to the lobby" song (you know, the one they used to play at the movies to encourage you to go buy some Raisinettes) and M. laughed at me.

Then he woke up again. Sheesh.

The bouncey seat is just not doing the job tonight. It's going to be a long night. I'm going to send M. to bed and get the boy nice and zonked out on the boob.

Baptism

We are going to have Finn baptized.

This has been both a difficult decision for me and an easy one.

Easy because I was baptized as an infant and that's the tradition I've wanted for my own children.

Hard because I don't feel connected into the church and haven't for a many years now. Sometimes I feel barely connected into Christianity at all. I have a very tenuous relationship with both religion and organized religion.

I am a cradle Episcopalian. There is a huge part of me that is Episcopalian down to my bones. At the same time, I am part of a church that does not only debate my right to be participate fully as a lesbian, it is a church that is on the verge of breaking up because of issues around homosexuality, and a church that is most likely going to sacrifice me and my right to participate in the name of unity.

It's hard to be in that place. It's hard to participate in an institution that does not value me as a whole person. It's hard to think about the message that sends to our son. I know what is right. It is right to fully embrace queers in the church. I don't know why my church absolutely will not fight for me.

So we're having Finn baptized. Part of me is excited because I want our beautiful boy to be blessed and held close. Part of me wants to run away and never look back.

Q&A

I'm behind on answering some questions that have been asked, so here goes... If any babycakes readers have other questions, ask away and I'll answer. I like doing Q&As.

Would I be a surrogate for DtD and BF?

At this time, probably not. We are all clear that him being our donor does not require something in exchange. My pregnancy was difficult enough that I don't really want to do it again, and my age would be problem. Things could change, but that's how I feel at the moment. I think being a surrogate requires a truly special person and I'm not convinced I'm that kind of person.

Less than optimal boobs

I was very concerned about breast feeding because I have quite large jugs and I lack those nice, big mama nipples. I was hoping pregnancy would change that, but it didn't. So I went into breast feeding with less than optimal breasts. My biggest concern was Finn not being able to latch well.

I did end up having problems briefly when I was engorged (note - I never was truly engorged, I think because of my large breasts). My left nipple started to invert when my breasts were filled. Luckily I was able to pump the nipple out and after about five days of doing that, Finn started to latch just fine.

Somehow Finn knows what to do and has a really good latch. Once he latches, he pulls my nipple out and everything does fine. I have no supply issues and because I resisted pumping at the beginning, my supply is truly regulated to the boy's demands.

The best advice I can give is have numbers for a lactation consultant, have a nipple shield ready if you need it, and trust that your baby will know what to do. Then get help if you need it and don't stop until you get things resolved.

The Potty Position

Here is M. and Finn doing the Potty Position we use to help Finn pass gas and poop:

put one hand on baby's chest and the other under his knees then let his bottom drop lower than everything else, then the two of you rock gently forward and back. a slight bounce can work well too. do it when he wakes up in the am or when grunting...

Finn and his mobile

Houston, we have an (almost) smile!

Finn's social smile is starting! He looks at us then his mouth spreads into this kind of big cheek to cheek grin and he makes a loud cooing noise. You can tell it's kind of hard for him. It's so damn cute! And it makes the constant feeding torture he's been putting me through worth it.

He he. Our boy is smiling.

He's also really enjoying his mobile. We actually had to buy a new one because I broke his old one during a middle of the night diaper change. He lies on his back and his little arms flail around as he watches the animals go round and round.

Finn is currently trying to latch onto his own hand. Time to feed the boy.

Good Baby Gear

A little baby gear post...got any other good gear suggestions? Share!!!

Breast Feeding Pillow

One of my biggest challenges has been nursing in public. It's just awkward and because my boobs are so big I'm really uncomfortable. We bought a Hooter Hider, but it's still hard to see Finn and I tend to put him ON it more than under it.

We were out yesterday looking for a replacement mobile because I broke Finn's in the middle of the night and I found the most awesome travel breast feeding pillow EVER. It's a Bosom Baby "A little Something Extra" pillow. I'm taking it everywhere with me from now on. It also lets me breast feed at the computer since it's not HUGE.

The Swaddleme

Okay, I thought the Swaddleme was stupid. We put one on our registry and someone bought it for us, but I resisted using it because I've heard that it's useless. I WAS WRONG.

Finn doesn't like to have his arms in when he's swaddled and he doesn't like being swaddled tightly. The Swaddleme is perfect. We keep his arms bent inside it so he can escape during the night and he loves it. The other thing about the Swaddleme is that it's a knit fabric and less fabric than doing a swaddle blanket, so Finn doesn't get too hot while sleeping with us.

Phil and Ted's Smart Buggy

M. and I have been planning to buy a lightweight umbrella travel stroller for when Finn gets older. Yesterday I found the one I want. The Phil and Ted's Smart Buggy is super light and small profile. It drives beatifully and will fit up to four y/o. And it's totally cool looking.

Feeding Frenzy

Finn must be growing because he fed almost ALL DAY yesterday. He started around 10 am until 2:30. We took a walk from 2:30 to 4:00. He then fed from 4:30 until 9 pm. Seriously. He would finally sack out, I'd move him a little and the little man would want to eat MORE. We couldn't even take his one month picture because he was feeding all day. M. didn't even get to hold him because he was feeding all day.

That is why he's nine pounds. The milk monster.

The good thing is that he doesn't do long feeds overnight. 40 minutes at the most.

M. is giving him is morning bottle but I suspect it won't be enough and the boy will be on the boob shortly. I just have to keep telling myself that he'll slow down at some point. It's the only way I can stay sane.

Some Kind of Nasty Sauna

No one tells you much about the aftermath of pregnancy. First you get the "baby blues" which should be renamed the baby hit-by-a-mack-truck.

Then there's the preview of menopause you get to experience.

I've been getting night sweats. Not some nice, damp sheen but dripping wet every morning and freezing cold when I get up because I'm soaked. Finn doesn't need rubber sheeting...I do! M. has declared that no matter how cold, we will sleep with the window open because all the sweating is making it like some sort of sauna in the bedroom.

Then there's the dry skin. I've actually started putting lansinoh on my cheeks at night because my skin is so, so dry. It's awful. I'm turning into an alligator.

One good thing is no hot flashes. But they're probably coming.

One Month Today

It's one month since Finn's birthday. M. is currently feeding our boy and I get my morning alone time. Yay! He's having a bit of a tough feeding this morning because he woke up quite hungry and he hasn't 100% mastered the bottle yet.

He's getting so big - around nine pounds already. We got to see our friends H&L's little boy yesterday who is two weeks behind Finn and he was just tiny in comparison.

We feel like we're getting the hang of things. Having a newborn is such a huge learning curve. We have learned how to help him poop when he gets grunty, that baths at night are better than baths during the day, that he will feed at 1 am, 3 am, 5 am and 7 am, that when he fusses he needs to be fed or burped and so much more.

I love the times when he's just alert and looking around. He can hold his head up pretty well but not for long, and he has the most intelligent, bright look in his eyes, like he's taking it all in.

He has tears and it breaks my heart when he cries and they come gushing out.

He'll smile soon. We can't wait. Right now he smiles in his sleep and makes these high-pitched laughs that crack us up. We call it sleep laughing. He makes lots of grunting and whining but we're starting to hear an occasional coo as well.

I know it's been a month but he feels like he's been in our lives forever. It's strange but I can't really remember what our lives were like without him.

Okay, enough gushing. Finn's been on a growth spurt which means three hour feeding sessions and I suspect he'll take more boob after his bottle - the life of the milk cow. Moooo!