Why we love our boy, and why he scares us

We love our boy...because lately he wants to be stared to sleep. He just looks into our eyes until slumber creeps up on him. It's so sweet. It makes me feel very loved.

He scares us...because he stands up with his flat feet at three months and will take steps forward while we support him. It's really cute and really scarey. He's the amazing standing boy and I suspect he'll be walking sooner than later. But if Finn wants to prove me wrong on that one, 'tis fine with me. I want to keep my baby my baby as long as possible.

Sleep My Little Baby

Finn's sleep got messed up when he was sick. He was nursing frequently overnight. Now that he's better, he's still nursing frequently overnight, because that boy does LOVE HIS BOOB. He's remembered that having the boob every couple hours really is nice. For him. Not mommy. Ugh.

This has been especially difficult because while Finn is better, and M. is better, I am not. Whatever I have is lingering in my chest and won't come out. The fact that I simply cannot get a long stretch of sleep is making it really hard to get well. I don't usually get sick like this and if I don't feel significantly better by Monday, time to visit Dr. G.

Finally tonight he did six hours at the beginning of the night. Yay. M. and I managed to catch five of those hours as actual sleep. Even more YAY!

Urban Babies Wear Black

When you're pregnant you become determined that YOUR baby will be the hippest, coolest little baby on the block. No pastel pink or blue. Black.

Uh huh.

Then that beautiful little baby does this horrid thing and you start to understand why all those pastel onesies you got at your shower might be a good idea. Half his dinner comes up in a white, chunky mess and oozes down his front.

Black shows spit up.

I have several very cute little shirts and onesies for Finn that aren't your typical pastel or white. And whenever I consider putting him in one, I know it will last only a few hours because it's only a matter of time before Finn spits up all over me and him.

There's a fine line between hipness and practicality. Spitup pushes you right over into the practicality side.

A Good Day

There is nothing in this world better than a good day with a baby. We had one today.

Despite having some nasty gunk still lodged in my chest, we went to our weekly support group. It was our last day because, dear readers...we've graduated. Finn is 12 weeks and we're moving to the older babies group. M. and I are ready.

Finn was SO CUTE. He woke up from his nap and proceeded to talk, smile, laugh and play with M. almost the entire time. I can't describe the feeling you get when your baby stares at you adoringly then cracks a smile. I mean, WOW.

M. decided to try giving Finn his bottle at our group and he sucked it down. It was the first time he's taken a bottle in public and he did so well.

And it kept going like that all day. We went to this great baby shop called Birth and Beyond and hung out, tried on slings, looked at stuff. We stopped at the grocery store and picked up survivial supplies. Finn cried here and there, but never too long and soothed easily. Then we came home and played on his play mat, sang songs, and looked at books.

It was as good day.

Now he's asleep. Honestly, I can't imagine loving Finn more and I know that tomorrow I will. We are actually excited to go to bed each night because it means we get to wake up and see him

We have an Adoption Date

M. will become Finn's legal mama on July 31st. Yay!

The adoption is bitter-sweet. On one hand, it's wrong that M. should have to adopt her own son. We should have our marriage recognized by our government. Our son should start his life with both of us on his birth certificate. The state shouldn't benefit off discriminiation.

The sweet part is that M. will be Finn's legal mama and it's awesome. We're lucky to have the option of a second parent adoption.

I'm more and more excited as the date approaches. M.'s brother will be coming up from California and both sets of grandparents will attend. The judge we scheduled with is the one who makes you cry. M. designed the above invitation and we're going to make it a party. After all, it's a wonderful thing for Finn to be able to have two legal mamas.

The Wet Nurse

M. and I were in Babies 'r Us the other day and Finn needed to nurse. M. headed to the Mothers Room to change the boy and I went to the bathroom. A woman was there nursing her son and the following conversation ensued:

Woman: Oh, is he yours?

M.: Yes.

Woman: Is he your first?

M.: Yes.

Woman: Oh, he has his mama's nose!

M.: silenty smiles

At this point I walked in and proceeded to whip the boob out and feed the boy.

We've been wondering what the woman must have thought. She was very nice and acted normal. This is the scenario I've come up with...

M. is an international porn star and her breasts are worth a lot of money. She wants her child to have the benefits of breast milk but doesn't want to ruin her breasts with breast feeding. So...I'm the wet nurse!

He he. Funny.

You know what sucks??????

When your whole family is sick over flippin' PRIDE WEEKEND. M. is running a fever. I'm getting some lovely post nasal drip and a sore throat. Finn is feeling better and wants to play.

Silly boy.

Luckily playing wears him out and I get a nap-break.

Sicko!

Our little guy is sick.

He started getting more congested than usual the day before yesterday and has been coughing and snorting overnight. We took his temp last night as he felt warm and he was running high, but not concerning, and we gave him some tylenol. We're also shoving breast milk up his nose...who would of thought! I'm not entirely clear on how to clear his nose out. We've been using some saline and the aspirator.

Finn is still his happy self, just more tired than usual and he's getting crabbier faster. We're going to keep an eye on him since it's Friday and if he gets worse in the next couple days it will mean a trip to the ER. Ugh.

Poor little dude!

Morning Workout

For some reason I find this frickin' hilarious. Bad mommies. At least Finn looks like he's having fun. Also, check out his little boy socks. I lurve them...from Babystyle.

Sleep!

Sleep is an amazingly contentious issue with a lot of judgement around it. Not only in the discussion below, but in general. In the support group that M. and I attend, it's one of the most often discussed subjects.

There are a few things to point out.

First, everyone has different sleep needs. Trust me, I can function on about six hours of sleep in general. M. needs nine or ten. Guess who gets more sleep even now?

Second, there are some babies who are up every two hours. There are some who sleep twelve then have a three hour nap during the day. There are some babies who can resettle (self soothe) and there are some who need a gentle hand to help guide them into their slumber. Clearly sleep has to do with temperament to some degree.

There are a lot of different ideas about sleep out there and everyone will find different things that work for them. I honestly think we should celebrate with the parents who have good sleepers and support those who are struggling in this area with no judgement.

Where do M. and I stand on sleep? Finn will routinely sleep five hours before a feeding every night. Our biggest issue is that sometimes those five hours start at 8 pm and we're not ready for bed. In all honesty, we're okay with things. I mean, I'm tired like I've never been before and some days barely functioning, but we're surviving. It would be nice if he'd give us more sleep but I am so focused on him right now that it's not feeling like a burden to drag my tired ass out of bed and feed my beautiful boy. We have a sleep book. I read the introduction and probably won't read more any time soon. We've decided to not worry about his sleep and to go with our instincts.

I have this amazing trust in Finn and that he will do what he needs to do. And he does, but sometimes it takes our tears and his before things even out.

Finn and His Mobile Redux

Here's Finn and his black and white mobile at ten weeks. He's gone from staring at it to talking to it. The talking in the background is M. on the phone. Compare to him watching it around four weeks.

Crying it Out

I was going to put this in the comments, but decided that it deserves a post of its own.

M. and I will not put Finn in his crib (where he never sleeps anyway) to cry it out. This is our parenting decision. I understand that advice to leave him to cry is well-intentioned, but it's not something we will do. It's very important to us that Finn know we are there for him.

I realize that M. and I are able to coparent 24/7 at this time, which makes it easier to always soothe him and attempt to meet his needs. I know when I am home alone with him that there may be a time when it will be safer to put him down crying then continue to attempt soothing him. But putting him down crying isn't something we intend to practice on a regular basis. And, even if we were going to practice cry-it-out, this shouldn't be used until AT LEAST 4 months.

Now it's time to feed the boy.

Chaos Before Calm

We had a rough, rough night last night.

Finn's bedtime is typically not a problem. Around seven or eight he goes to bed. This is usually preceeded by a small breakdown, a swaddle, a little bounce or boob and he crashes.

Not last night.

I thought it was the normal nightly breakdown except that it took me an hour and a half of bouncing and singing to get him to sleep. Then I remembered that I'd heard him poop and he needed a new night diaper.

That was the beginning of the end.

There comes a point when whatever comforting and soothing you're doing becomes useless because you're so tired and not coping and the baby KNOWS this. Finn just wouldn't calm down for me. We bounced. We tried to nurse. We rocked. We sang. He just cried and cried, soaking his clothes with tears, little face red.

This parenting thing breaks your heart over and over and over again.

Then M. took over. Twenty minutes later, he was out. What did it? Swaddle, plus shushing, plus side lying, plus sucking, plus rocking, plus singing, plus the white noise machine.

The plus side...I mean, is there a plus side to your son screaming his heart out and you can't sooth him because you're at the end of your rope? Um, the plus side. The little dude slept and slept and slept...he'd completely worn himself out. NINE HOURS with no waking.

Finn in the Shower

Roll that Beautiful Boy Footage

Finn rolled over!

I'm not kidding. Grandma J. was over and said to put him on his tummy. After protesting a bit because Finn tends to hate tummy time, M. got out the play mat and put him down on his stomach. He lifted his little head and looked around a few times, then rocked back and forth and FLIP. He was on his back.

Now he's exhausted. Imagine if we all were exhausted just by rolling over. We'd never get anything done. We're SO PROUD of our boy!

Swaddle Saga

One of the best things M. and I got from watching the Happiest Baby on the Block DVD was that sometimes you need to swaddle your baby even if they're saying "no", because your the parent and as the parent, you know that being wrapped up tight is what they need.

Finn needs to be swaddled. Finn HATES being swaddled. We swaddle him for bed every night and every night his little arms fly everywhere as I struggle to wrap the Miracle Blanket around him.

The latest development is that the Miracle Blanket is getting too small, and Finn has become the world's most talented Swaddle Escape Artist. Instead of being woken for his 2 am feeding by the usual little hungry whines, tonight I was woken by the sounds of sucking coming from the co-sleeper. Sure enough, our boy had once again escaped. There was Mr. Houdini with a tiny fist stuck in his mouth and the one leg that had also managed to free itself from the tangles of the Miracle Blanket kicking happily around. Cute as can be, even at 2 am.

We're moving to the double swaddle. We bought a used pillow case to convert into a swaddle blanket and will do that along with one of our Swaddleme wraps. We'll see if that will contain the escape artist.

100% happiness

Pure happiness and joy is present every morning in our house. It happens when Finn wakes up and we unswaddle him. All of the sudden there are arms and legs everywhere. He makes little sounds and then when mommies appear above him, there are smiles.

Of course, this also happens in the middle of the night when Mr. Houdini escapes his swaddle and is smiling up at me with my dry bleary eyes as I grab him to put him on the boob. Yeah. Not so cute then. Actually, still cute but bad timing.

Luckily the boob is still the magic stuff. Thirteen minutes later, Mr. Houdini was reswaddled and fast asleep.

Play Time

Finn has recently developed the ability to sit our our laps and just hang out and play.

It's strange playing with a baby, especially when your entire existence has been geared toward meeting his basic needs of food, sleep and diaper changes. All of the sudden he wants to play? It's hard to switch gears. I'm finding I'm having to reach far into my memory for all those games and songs of my childhood.

I made a toy basket that we keep on the couch. It has rattles, a whisk, his favorite book and more. We pull stuff out, listen to how things sound, feel different textures and so on.

We sing songs. His favorite so far is Little Finn Had a Farm. He just cracks up. I think M. is a little sick of the tune. I like to mix it up by singing "...and on that farm he had an OCTOPUS!" but then I'm stuck having to make octopus sounds...hmmmmm.

We also play Tour de France, where we do fast bicycle legs, just like he's riding in the Tour de France. M. doesn't like it when I chant "dope, dope" in the background.

Then there's what I do best. Absolute silliness. Silly dancing, silly faces, silly sounds. I'm really glad to finally have an audience and M. is a little less embarassed by my antics in public now that we have a baby with us to justify them.

He he. Play time is fun!

Best. Lullabies. Ever.

I found this album at Cool Mom Picks. Oh. My. God. It's seriously the best. The songs are beautiful and absolutely capture the sweetness of loving another person so much. But they're not cheesy at all.

You can listen to samples at CD Baby. It appears to be backordered since it said it would ship in 2-4 weeks on Amazon, BUT you can download it on iTunes (which I did) and have it right away.

Go get it NOW. It will make you cry.

Who's Driving the Bus around Here?

I tell you this much, having a baby is in no way convienent. We sleep when Finn sleeps. We leave restaurants when he wants to. We forgo spending the day at the Bastyr fair and getting foot soaks because our little man doesn't want to be there any more. It's nothing about us and all about him.

Finn is driving the bus around here.

I'm not complaining. Well, not too much. Maybe it's the Zoloft, but I feel amazingly okay with having an increasingly not so tiny baby being large and in charge around here. M. and I just buckle up and go along for the ride.

The time for structure and discipline will no doubt come, and we'll do what we need to do. I have no doubt about that. Until then, we both have the time and space to just let Finn come into this world in the manner he needs to. I'm really grateful for that.

Ch..ch..ch...changes

M. and I were talking tonight about how we can never remember when things change with Finn. It's because they change so fast.

Last week we had Meltdown Boy on our hands. Every night around 6 pm he would start crying inconsolably, we would have to swaddle and bounce him on the ball until he crashed. Every. Night. And he would not nap in his crib. Nope. Not gonna do it.

Fast forward a week.

As I write, Finn is IN HIS CRIB. He's not just IN HIS CRIB, he is AWAKE, sucking on passey and quietly watching his mobile as the sound machine sends the sound of waves crashing on the beach through the room. For the third night in a row M. and I are being adults in the kitchen. I am going to MAKE COOKIES.

The first time he did this we were in shock. We didn't know what to do with ourselves. We just stared at each other and waited for the loud wail from the nursery. At the same time, it's probably not a good idea to get too used to this. After all, Meltdown Boy will probably be back shortly.

Bootylicious Baby

Finn is finally fitting his Robeez (so cute!!) but these are some uber-cute traditional booties Grandma J. got him. He is so very bootylicious. Ha ha.

N.I.P.

Well, I've had my first experience with being asked to stop nursing in public.

We were in Brookstone because we finally broke down and decided to buy a sound machine. Not so Finn can fall asleep, but to block out Sir Grunts-a-lot in the middle of the night. Finn starts to fuss and M. hands him to me, suggesting that he might be hungry. I get out my gear (Hooter Hider, nursing pillow) sit down in one of their massage chairs and proceed to try to latch Finn on.

He doesn't latch (important part of the story) so I pull my shirt down and put his pacifier in his mouth. Then I put the Hooter Hider over him to destim and we sit there, staring at each other as he soothes himself toward sleep.

Suddenly there is a very manicured little gay boy standing in front of me. Okay. Turns out he's the assistant manager. He asks me if I wouldn't mind going into the back room to nurse Finn. I told him that #1. he wasn't nursing, we are just cuddling because he's tired and #2. NO, I won't go into their back room.

He tells me that other people may be uncomfortable with my nursing my son. I informed him that I was not nursing, that I was being quite discreet and if others have an issue with me nursing or my boob or whatever, that's something THEY have to deal with...it's not my problem.

M. was hovering behind me about to leap on Mr. Assistant Manager and strangle him but decided that I was holding my own quite well.

We then bought our sound machine and there was a problem with the transaction. Mr. Assistant Manager had to come help resolve the problem. I greeted him quite cheerfully. He wouldn't look me in the eye.

And that was my first issue with Nursing In Public. Or NOT nursing in public, as the case may be.

Whatcha Got Cookin'???

Cooking with a baby is near impossible. Considering we practice attachment parenting, Finn just doesn't get put down that often. This is a significant challenge when it comes to making a meal.

Breakfast isn't hard. Cereal. I manage to make a batch of muffins every few days. Toast.

Lunch...uh, do we eat lunch? Mostly we grab something out.

Dinner? Holy shit, it's 9 pm and we haven't even thought about dinner between feeding the boy and getting him to sleep. Cereal. Toast. Add a glass of milk, maybe....

It's a pathetic nutritional existance.

Considering that I love to cook, it's been hard accepting that I really can't like I used to. At the same time, I'm just not ready to give up and go for pouring cans of things into a pot or the ultimate in desperation...the frozen dinner.

My new goal...at least one dinner per week that will provide left overs. We can do that. And pasta is our friend, as horrible as that may be. Last week it was this delicious rice and chickpea dish from Deborah Madison I've been planning for weeks. I ate it with naan from Trader Joe's and it was heavenly. It tasted even better the next day. Take that little baby who is turning our lives upside down. I can still somewhat function like I used to. Ha.

This week...kale and potato quiche.

Other Random Food Thoughts

When I was pregnant I picked up The Vegetarian Mother's Cookbook then promptly discovered I couldn't be pregnant and eat vegetarian...thank you food aversions. I've picked up the book again and I really like it. The recipes are geared toward people with kids, meaning they're not too difficult. They're very nutritious...full of whole grains and lots of KALE.

I'm also finally experimenting with using coconut oil in place of butter. I've found that you definately lose some browning properties without butter, but the texture is good. The cookies were pale. But I made the most delicious, moist muffins with it. My next task is a pie crust.

Lastly...OVEN RICE. How did I never know about making rice in the oven. I love brown rice but I absolutely hate cooking it. To the point where I've considered purchasing a rice cooker but really don't want another appliance in the kitchen. Then I read in The Vegetarian Mother's Cookbook about how to cook it in the oven. Holy crap, batman...rice in the oven!!!!!! You put rice in a casserole dish, pour boiling water and olive oil over it then bake it for 50 minutes. It came out chewy and perfect.

And I thought I'd discovered a modern miracle when I figured out how to do bacon in the oven.

Size Matters

I can't believe how big Finn is getting. It feels like it snuck up on us...all of the sudden he's not a newborn any more. Here are some pics to compare...

We bought these overalls shortly after we brought the boy home. I was desperate for something besides a stretchy to put him in, and he swam in them. LOVE Gymboree...he can still wear them, but probably not much longer.



We've been taking pics with my stuffed panda to watch how much Finn is growing. Here he is at a couple weeks then a two months. Big boy!

Public Property

I've discovered that Finn is public property. Everywhere we go people talk to us and want to touch him. It's very sweet that the world is geared to take care of our youngest, but sometimes I just want to scream HANDS OFF MY BABY!!!! I'm getting to the point where I prefer him to be hidden in the sling so people will back off.

You see, our little guy loves people. Get him in a crowd and he goes crazy looking at everyone. Then he crashes and we're bouncing on the ball with a screaming baby. Yay.

It's hard to say no to people. I want him to be around people. We already have a cat who runs and hides every time a stranger shows up...I want Finn to be socially adjusted. At the same time, we have to be careful about over stimulation, especially as he's starting to figure out there's something out there to be excited about.

Figuring things out is hard, but we're doing it. Slowly.

Mother Ship

All of my passive aggressive co-dependent tendancies and inabilities to set boundaries have set off an emotional atom bomb between me and my mother.

It all started because M. and I decided we are simply not ready to take Finn to my parents house. My parents 40th anniversary is coming up and my mother decided the only thing she really wanted was to throw a party and have her friends meet her grandson. A perfectly reasonable request, except that her grandson is still little, can't handle being passed around too much and is prone to mid-afternoon meltdowns at the moment. There have been several occasion when we've had to cut our activities short and go home because we had a inconsolable crying boy on our hands.

So I said "no" to the anniversary party.

I said it in the nicest way possible. I told my mother that I love her, that she's important to me, that I want to find a way to honor my parents relationship but just not in the way she was wanting. None of it went well. My mother dug in because she simply could not accept that she was not going to get her way. Her desire to have her grandson has trumped her desire to be my mother and she has a completely inappropriate sense of entitlement when it comes to Finn. All of this led to her being shockingly nasty as she did her best to hurt me over and over again.

I managed not to break down until I got off the phone.

I can't express how much I don't want this situation to exist. I just want my mother to somehow inately understand how to respect M. and myself as new parents. I don't want to have to set up boundaries with the one person outside M. who has the power to really hurt me. I want to run away and hide.

I can't. If I do, I end up hurting the one person I'm trying with all my heart and soul to protect: Finn. We're parents now and what is in Finn's best interest MUST come first. There's no way around it. Which means I have to be strong enough to establish something that I have avoided like the plague with my mother...boundaries.

Space is what I need right now and I'm taking it. No contact with my mother until I figure out what to do, what our expectations are. I've already been accused of keeping her from her grandson and of having a post partum mood disorder. After some reflection I've come to realize that she is resentful that I am Finn's mother and not her.

And M.? Well, she's just my helper in my mother's eyes.

Fun stuff. Not.

What a horrible welcome to the transition from child to parent.

Random Stuff

Just some thoughts I've been having. Random isn't really the truth. It's all about the little man and his impact on our lives.

Our amazing baby. Finn has been changing so much. He's starting to do this cute little whimper thing at night when he's hungry and he starts looking for the boob. It's funny because M. sleeps with him and he's not going to find what he's looking for there. I've also noticed that when he's hungry he'll cry until I take him toward the feeding station then he quiets down. He knows I'm the boob. Then as I'm lowering him onto the breastfeeding pillow, he starts to open his mouth and get ready to latch. He's saying "that's the good stuff, mommy!"

Yoga balls are good. I mean really good. We actually have two...one for the living room and one for the nursery. And I just bought a massive pump to make our lives easier...and because I broke our little one. I don't know how people had babies without yoga balls.

Breast feeding. Okay, I admit it. I'm actually starting to really enjoy breast feeding. It was so hard at first but as Finn's demands are lessening, I'm finding myself liking it. I'm glad it's becoming more enjoyable. There are still times when I just don't want to have to be the boob, but most of the time, it's alright. I'm finding myself thinking toward the future when he won't want to bf anymore with a little sadness.

Do I talk about something besides Finn? No. Not really. I assume this is part of taking care of such a vulnerable little life. You're wired to be obsessed. I know I've become intensely boring but I have a hard time caring. I hope my friends will stick around long enough for M. and I to pull out of it...like about a year.

I love meeting people. This is a strange development because I tend to be very inwardly focused and antisocial. People make me tired. Now I just love to meet other parents and other babies.

The bitch factor. For some reason, parenthood is making me mellow. Or maybe it's the Zoloft. Anyway, I am so much less of a bitch than when I was pregnant. People aren't actually annoying me as much as usual (see above...I actually LOVE MEETING PEOPLE now...strange). The world has become all hearts and flowers...I've become soft, and the worst part is that I just don't care.

Anyway, Finn is asleep and I'm going to try to accomplish doing one or two chores. Silly mommy, thinking she can actually get something done.

Two months old!

Happy birthday to our little man. It seriously feels like he's been here forever and ever.

Here's Finn in his new swing. We're busy making Baby Stations around the house...swing in the living room, bouncey in the computer nook, second bouncey in the bathroom.

Slideshow

This is Stacey's fault, but really fun to make...

Blogging for GLBT Families

I'm always a little late on stuff like this.

Right now it feels easy to be moms. Finn needs to be fed and diapered and held when he cries. My heart breaks thinking about any moment that he may not know that we are there for him. It will be harder because he'll grow and start pushing at us, testing us, deciding what the world means to him. But right now he's a baby and babies are easy to just love and love and love.

Sometimes it's hard being two women. When there are two moms, "what mama wants, mama gets" becomes a much more complicated concept. The motherhood that straight women get all to themselves becomes a delicate balance.

Sometimes being two moms is the best thing in the entire world. I have the best co-conspiriator in parenting a person could ask for, someone who really gets me, and out of that comes a true sense of unity.

Being a GLBT family has mostly been easy. We're lucky to live in Seattle. We're lucky to be surrounded by people who GET that Finn has two moms. Both M. and I were anticipating all kinds of insensitive questions. It hasn't happened. At least not yet. I know it will happen because it's inevitable, but I'm enjoying the pure bliss of it all right now.

We go about our lives as a family.

It's awesome.

Boy Pics

We finally captured a smile! And it's a big one.


This is the first outfit we ever bought for our baby. I think this is him waking up.


Finn and mommy. We finally got a few pictures that don't involve him breast feeding.