Staring at the White

We're negative. I've vowed to never, ever, ever pee on a stick again. I'm tired of the sticks. I'm tired of staring at a window of white. We're both tired of this whole thing.

It's been a hard day.

We cried this morning. I cried at the doctor's office and Angela the lab lady gave me a hug. Cried during acupuncture. Almost cried at the mall. M. and I are both tired of crying.

My body has finally performed the ultimate mind fuck. I didn't think it could be done. I'm sitting here with aching boobs, no spotting, no period and STILL NOT PREGNANT. Amazing. Sometimes it feels like the world is pushing us, heaping on the pain and all we can do is bend under the weight then try to stand up as tall as possible.

On a good note, seems our STAT beta cost us $3.28. I'm going to have them every day if they're that cheap.

What's next. The dreaded C word...Clomid. I've scheduled an appointment to talk with my doc about going on either Clomid or Femara. And we have everything lined up to be able to do an IUI next cycle if the timing works out AND if my liden factor V comes back negative. Timing is an issue because the clinic is only open M, T, R and F. Blah blah blah BLAH.

We're going to a movie because we need to escape tonight. Then to the nursery tomorrow. Tuesday we'll celebrate the 4th with my parents. Then we get started on number eight.

Day 12: That Little Niggle of Hope

One way to keep yourself sane during the TWW is to pull a double shift then go back the next day. Nothing like exhaustion to keep a person going.

We've reached day 12. No spotting so far. Boobs still sore. Temp has gone up. And here comes that little niggle, the small voice in the back of my brain that says maybe...just maybe...all this adds up to nine months and a baby.

Usually I hate the hope, but this time I'm kind of enjoying it. Which is why I don't want to POAS quiet yet. I'm not really ready to confront that stark white BFN. I'm not ready to stare at the stupid test for 10 minutes, eyes searching for just the smallest something. I want to hold onto my fantasty as long as possible. Don't make me let it go until I absolutely have to. Thinking I'm pregnant has become the only thing I have left.

One more day to get through.

Ni**les...the Great Equalizer

M. and I hung with a whole posse of gay boys this Pride. This meant we got our fill of p*nis talk. I love those boys, but REALLY. One little gem we got from the boys...ni**les are the great equalizer. Girls have them. Boys have them. Lesbians have them. Gay boys have them too. Everyone has ni**les. If given the chance ni**les might be able to bring about world peace.

I am lucky, in the sarcastic sense, to possess a pair of the world's least sensitive ni**les. My b*obs never ache, my ni**les never hurt, they just kind of exist in the world. Which is why M. and I decided the one symptom that would mean we are pregnant would be sensitive bre*sts.

WELL....

My ni**les hurt like a mofo. Not really aching bo*bs but shooting pains. Not all the time either. Now...this could be just another mind fuck from my body. It likes to do that. It would be the last frontier of ways to make me think I'm pregnant every single cycle. I haven't freaked out enough for it in the last week and a half, so it's getting back at me. We'll see.

We go for a beta on Friday. In the meantime I've told M. that there will be no impulsive and desperate peeing on sticks in the S&M household.

Photo Friday...woo hooooo!

Gratuitous picture of my Zoe-bug in a bag

Thanks to everyone who voted. Seems my picture was selected from the Summer Foods Photo Friday contest. Yay! You like me...you really like me...I mean, you like my lemon bar.....

Calliope is posting my challenge for the next Photo Friday, but I wanted to post it here because I think it's a doozy.

Tell a Story!

Pick a character and use three photos to tell its story. Mix close up and panorama shots. Show the environment the character(s) live(s) in.

As an example, I once took a picture of my sandwich on a plate. Then I took a picture of the crumbs scattered over the empty plate after I'd eaten my sandwich. That was the (sad) story of my sandwich.

I'm so excited to see what people come up with.

Unbelievable...

We had something very disturbing arrive in the mail. It's a somewhat innocuous post card advert for in-home entertainment systems. The disturbing thing? It's addressed to DtD and arrived at our address.

There's only one way this could have happened. We gave the fertility clinic where we had the semen analysis done OUR address for DtD when he went in. It appears they have sold his information. And it's an expensive item they're trying to sell. Clearly the clients of said fertility clinic are percieved as being wealthy.

What in the world do we do about this?

We're going to start by telling DtD. He should know. It's his information after all.

We also did some research and this is a major violation of HIPPA. It will be up to him, but I believe he has a potential lawsuit on his hands. In the very least he should ask for his name to be removed from this man's list and file a complaint against the clinic. Let's just say that DtD is a nice guy. If it were me all holy hell would be raining down on these people.

Totally 100% fucking UNBELIEVABLE! And fucking UNETHICAL, not to mention illegal. It's not like these people aren't making enough money off of infertility as it is.

We have a Good Boy

Yay for our boy!*

We just spent a couple days with him and I'm struck again by how great he is. Although Taking Some Time to get Pregnant has been stressful, in many ways it's also been good. It's given all of us time to get closer and become better friends. If I'd gotten pregnant right away I think things would have been very different. There would have been more distance. Time is melting away a lot of that distance.

M. and I were talking this morning about how much we like our boy, and how much he seems to like us. I told her, "Well, we're family." and she said that she doesn't how to define this new family we're becoming. We can all understand sister, brother, mother, aunt, grandmother, cousin. What do you do with your donor, especially when we've asked him (and he's agreed) to remain involved in our child's life. And he's becoming a huge part of your own life as well. What kind of family is that?

That's what makes this so hard sometimes. We don't have any way to know how to make this work. We have to create our boundaries and definitions as we go along. It's hard when you have so much at stake to learn to trust someone outside of your primary relationship.

So we slog on. We're on day 9 of the TWW, and although we are feeling hopeful, it's the kind of hope that is tinged with reality. We're most likely not pregnant, but maybe...just maybe.... Having such a great donor makes the whole Taking Some Time to get Pregnant just a little bit better.

*M. has informed me that when we have a baby I can no longer call DtD 'the boy'.

Pride

It seems that dissing Pride has become almost as strong of a tradition as the actual parade. Every year Pride is marked by the multitudes of opines about what pride really means and if we really need pride and really, what the hell do we have to be proud of anyway? After all, aren't we all integrated and accepted? Haven't we accomplished being as boring as everyone else?

We usually approach pride with a good dose of urban dyke apathy, but this year we're excited. Afterall this is OUR day and we don't get many of those. It's our day to be queer, and not just queer, but queer in community and queer in culture. It's a day for drag queens and dykes on bikes and parents with strollers and queens with corgies. It's a day to run into old friends. It's a day to march and raise our voices in protest.

Because no matter how many opinions are put forth, the only way you can live comfortably as a queer is if you are male, live in the city, are white, have no children, work at a company that happens to include you in their non-discrimination policy and have enough discresionary income that you are never truly threatened. Only then you might have a chance at not facing discrimination.

Everyone else is still out there fighting. If you are parenting, a woman, in the military, religious, in a relationship, a person of color, poor, rural, from another country, sick, and a multitude of other things it is STILL NOT EASY TO BE QUEER. The rest of us need a day to be okay and be queer all at the same time.

So we go to Pride this weekend. And for the first time I'm actually PROUD. Happy pride to everyone out there.

Kidz Hip Hop

I'm putting together a mix CD for the twins in an effort to introduce them to the joy of hip hop. I'm really excited about what I've put together. Here's the play list:

• Because I Got it Like That - Jungle Brothers
• Me, Myself and I - De La Soul
• Lady don't Tekno - Laytryx
• Jenifa Taught Me - De La Soul
• Doin Our Own Dang - Jungle Brothers
• Mistadobalina - Del Tha Funky Homosapien
• Check the Rhime - Tribe Called Quest
• Freedom - Jurassic 5
• Buggin' Out - Tribe Called Quest
• Break - Jurassic 5
• The Magic Number - De La Soul
• The Frog - Sergio Mendes feat. Q-Tip
• I Try - Talib Kweli feat. Kanye West
• Astronomy (8th Light) - Black Star
• My Favorite Mutiny - The Coup feat. Black Thought and Talib Kweli
  

A shout out to all other hip hop fans, anything else I should add?

Pregnancy is in the Air

It seems that everyone around me has decided to get pregnant.

I’ve learned today that two of my coworkers are expecting. I really am happy for them, because if I wasn’t happy I’d shrivel into a miserable and bitter lump. I wish nothing but the best.

I keep telling myself I’ve learned to live with the pain, that it doesn’t hurt as much. Yes, I lie to myself every day to preserve my sanity. Because it still hurts, damn it, it never stops hurting. When you want something so badly and watch everyone else but you get it, it hurts.

It takes a big person to be happy when you just feel sad inside. I just have to keep trying to be that person. Be it until it’s real.

Managing the Risk of Family

Well, round seven has dropped. Quite early, actually. My cycle is stubborn...it wants to be nice and short, so since I'm extending out my luteal phase with progesterone, it's decided to ovulate earlier. Ha.

Family stuff blew up in our face yesterday. We were looking forward to a nice Monday alone so we could work on the bills and the yard. But NO.

I've blogged about M.'s insensitive sister, the one who got mad because we told her EIGHT year old daughter the truth about us when she asked if M. was married. Nevermind that M.'s sis had plenty of opportunity, eight whole years of opportunity, to have that discussion but never bothered. She also thinks that her disfunctional relationship is superior to ours because it includes a penis.

M.s' sis is moving out of the country with our niece and nephew in a few months and we probably won't see the kids for a long time. M. calls her dad for father's day yesterday and finds out that not only are the kids up here in WA state and no one told her, her sis has been and gone and never bothered to call.

Hurtful beyotch.

So we are going see the kids today.

Family can be so hurtful sometimes. Ours loves us and we know that, but there are moments where they remind us that we will never be 100% respected in their eyes. If M. were straight her sis wouldn't be so hurtful and we could probably see the twins without M.'s mother being a chaperone.

I wish there was a way for families to see the pain they cause: a meter, or a mark on our skin every time they hurt us. Because it really sucks.

Managing the Risk of Pregnancy...

We've hit another snag with doing an IUI this cycle and it looks like we're going back to the old fashioned method (ha ha) for the time being.

Using a known donor requires a certain amount of risk management. First you have to pick a person you think will be upfront, honest and reliable. He has to be someone who has a lifestyle that minimizes the risk of you getting an STD. He has to be able to conform to your expectations of his role in the process. Then you decide how much testing will make you feel comfortable with his health and your own, and how much legal protection you want for your future family. Finally you decided you are ready to expose yourself to his bodily fluids and all the consequences that carries, pregnancy being just one of them.

At this point I have been exposed to DtD's bodily fluids no less than twenty times. I may have been exposed to him more times than some straight couples have sex in a year. Yet I am not allowed to make the decision to continue this process via IUI.

Here's the snag. The reason I got into nursing is because I got a pesky little DVT (deep veinous thrombosus, aka blood clot) back in 2001. I was mostly asymptomatic. The only reason they found MY DVT was because my father had two serious DVTs when he was about 45 and they decided to do an ultrasound when I reported some tightening in my calf. Good ol' family history.

It seems there have been advances in the understanding of clotting and pregnancy since 2001. With my family history, the clinic will not move forward with an IUI until I've been tested and ruled out for a clotting disorder that could endanger my health during pregnancy. I agree that I should be tested but I would be okay with doing an IUI prior to the testing. After all, we're going to stick sperm up there in the next couple days no matter what. The clinic isn't okay with the risk. So it's back to the 5cc syringe.

I'm continuing to feel discouraged about moving to IUI. Although this new clinic has been mostly cooperative with our demands that we do no further testing of either myself or DtD, I still don't like that they won't 100% allow me to manage my own risk. It's expensive and doesn't greatly increase our chances. Something like injectibles might be a better use of our funds with a better outcome. Or maybe Clomid, or something like it.

So we're going back to the drawing board. Again. We've gotten off the 'are we preggers' roller coaster and onto the 'what the FUCK should we do next' ride, but we're still in the TTC theme park of fun.

For Your Entertainment...

In getting ready for the upcoming PRIDE event, I've found a list of gay slang on Wikipedia. I specifically say 'gay' slang because it's mostly stuff either stereotypically gay male or actually used in the gay male community.

There's some lesbian stuff in there, but really, I've never talked like that.

So brush up on your gay slang so you can sound like one of the boys at the parade. But be aware, the term 'Mary' is really quite passe.

For your entertainment: the Wikipedia list of Gay Slang

One IUI Intake Appointment Done.

Well, my blood pressure was sky high at the clinic which I've decided to worry more about tomorrow.

It was an interesting appointment. It's a clinic that originally did abortions and birth control, then decided to branch out into IUI to make money. Therefore, it's not the most professional environment.

They wanted this whole cadre of tests for both me and DtD. M. and I told them that we've exposed me to his semen no less than twenty times at this point and would like to have them use only the tests we've already had done. I mean, please, let ME be the person who decides how much risk I'm willing to take on, not YOUR lawyers. They were somewhat agreeable.

They had NO advice on when they would want to us to come in for the IUI. Basically they said they would let US tell THEM when we're ready.

It's going to be trixy. We are going to attempt an IVI prior to the IUI which will make timing crazy. We have to have DtD's MD fax his test results over and he has to fill out a medical history form. Then we all have to sign waivers. Yikes.

I think we can get it all done in time to have an IUI done in a week. Yikes.

M. and I figure that all of our schedules will allow this to work at this time. A couple cycles from now our schedules are going to be much more prohibitive and I think we'll be doing strict IVI.

That's the story for now...

Decision Making

I have to start by giving a shout out to Charlotte at Dos Mamas. She’s the one who persistently told us about Aurora Medical Services. Both M. and I owe her a huge thank you.

Charlotte is also why I’m writing this post. She’s got me thinking about decision making.

Poor Charlotte. The big DONOR DECISION is becoming too long and drawn out. I think I read in one of our many lesbian conception books that the decision to be a donor should be a thoughtful one, but it also shouldn’t be too difficult. My heart goes out to Charlotte as she and S. are stuck in limbo land.

M. and I have very different decision making processes. I believe in fate and hold onto the illusion that the right decision will present itself. M. believes that decisions are well thought out processes that involve a lot of research. I think we compliment each other well. I keep her from thinking through things too much; she keeps me from thinking through things too little.

The decision to use a KD was probably one of the biggest we’ve ever made. We’re both still settling into it even though it’s been a done deal for over six months now. It’s a daily struggle, especially since we have to live with so much being unknown. None of us have any idea how having DtD in our lives in this aspect is going to play out. This includes our future child. It’s like we started on the tightrope but had no idea how to take a step. Now we’re learning to balance and take steps because we can’t just stand on the rope paralyzed. We still don’t know if we’re going to fall or not.

For DtD, the decision to say ‘yes’ took just a few days. Actually, he said yes immediately but needed to check with his BF before committing. I don’t’ know why it was so easy for him and maybe someday we’ll be able to talk about it. We don’t have the world’s most ‘chat about our feelings’ relationship.

Maybe decisions are really an attempt to see our way more clearly. If you’re having a hard time seeing how things will work out, it’s time to pull back and get some perspective. I’ve found that often it’s hard to see your way because there’s a better path somewhere out there.

Finding Distractions

Well, in an attempt to focus on something outside TTC, I think I'm going to do a triathlon.

::pause for laughter::

Okay, not a full triathlon, a relay. I'm going to swim. Jess is going to bike and D. (not DtD, just D.) has agreed to run. This is not an excuse to buy a new suit and lots of swim gear. Really. I had already planned to swim more this summer because I really love to swim, and especially outdoors.

The swim part is 800 meters, or a little less than a half mile. This translates to 18 laps (36 is a mile). I can swim 18 laps! Even if I'm fat. Even if I'm preggers. I can swim slow. I already swim slow. I CAN SWIM EIGHTEEN LAPS!

So yes, fat girls can do part-triathlons. This is the chutzpah that I'm talking about.

By the pricking of my thumbs, something IUI this way comes...

And we're back to the IUI discussion.

There's one option that we haven't explored. It's a clinic that does IUI with known donors but they were located in north Seattle and not open on the weekends. Since we might have to insem on a day that I work we really NEED to have a place close by. The weekend thing isn't a huge obstacle...we would just do IVI, espec. since DtD will go past twelve cycles with us. We decided that we might as well look at their website...

It was such a nice website, very queer friendly. I like that they aren't focused on infertility since we're not quite there yet. And...it turns out they have moved their offices and they're VERY close to my hospital now. Things were looking good. So we called....

Wow!!! What a great experience.

They were the absolute nicest people I've talked to in a long time. Very excited and supportive, warm over the phone, didn't bat an eye at us using a KD. I hung up actually feeling excited about making this decision. Finally things feel right. We can do IUI but still have the process we need. We don't have to lie. M. can be there the entire time. Our baby can start in a positive place.

We have an intake appointment for Tuesday. And DtD can come with us (unless his schedule doesn't work out.) If everything works out we may be brewing ourselves up an IUI in a little over a week.

The Difference of Marriage Part II: Playing Politics

Beth made an interesting point about getting married in the U.S. versus going to Canada to do the deed. She said it confuses the issue in the states, that U.S. same-sex couples with Canadian marriages make it appear to some that we have legal marriage in our country as well.

This made me think.

Beth is right. Most straight people (and some queers) aren't politically aware of the issues around marriage so when we use the term "wife" or "husband" they some times make the next step of assuming our marriage was obtained in the U.S. If they are outside Mass, they would be mistaken. They also think that our Canadian marriages are already recognized by our government. Once again, mistaken.

I still think we should be getting married in Canada.

As a couple with a Canadian marriage, I can testify that for every person who makes mistaken assumptions, there is another who asks questions. I spend part of my life doing daily education and quiet activism for marriage just by BEING legally married. I want people to remember that they know this girl who is married in Canada, and if I've made a favorable enough impression, they'll have a hard time thinking that I should be denied my rights.

It's the politics of the personal.

The Difference of Marriage

We finished Bravo's Gay Weddings last night and it left me thinking about the difference making things legal makes. M. and I are lucky enough to have had both a church, non-legal wedding and a legal wedding. Both were absolutely wonderful in their own way. #1 was beautiful with big fluffy gowns and organ music and a photographer, all our friends, the whole nine yards. #2 was small and rushed, some sort of crazy drive to the border, get hitched, have dinner and come back.

For me being legally married makes a huge difference. I love that we're legally married. So many will tell you that having a piece of paper makes no difference, but for us it really did. And that was after eleven years of living without one. That piece of paper is certainly not keeping us together, and a lack of paper would never break us apart. It's what that paper symbolizes. It's beyond our commitment to each other. That was solidified with our first ceremony. It really is the acknowledgement and recognition that we have a legal connection and hence a legal right to build a life together. Having our relationship sanctioned by just one government matters.

I am so proud of my M. She's also my closest friend, my confidant, my love, my bill-payer, my responsible one, my conscience in this world. Above that, she's my wife...my LEGAL wife. It just makes a difference.

I'm really hoping that WA state will be moving toward legal marriage by the end of the summer. If that happens, it won't be like Mass where they've restricted it to residents. Everyone can come here and get married.

Share stories if you want. I know there are some other people out there with legal marriages. Some of you have San Francisco and Portland marriages. How does it feel to have our government tell you that you're not legal after all?

To IUI or Not to IUI, That is the Question

At this point I'm feeling a little dizzy myself with how back and forth we've been about IUI. When we left the OBGYN's office we both felt that IUI was it. Now we've changed our mind. It may be an option in the future but it's not feeling RIGHT at the moment.

Our first appointment with an OBGYN, the one that turned terrible, was with a man who we will call Grandpa. Grandpa thought that our known donor plan was "cute" (he really said that) but if we were really serious, we'd go straight to IUI using frozen sperm. Then he lectured us about all the safety risks of using a KD. Grandpa had no respect for us needing the process as much as we need the end product.

Some of you reading this might think I'm crazy. What I want is not just a little baby to hold but I want the process of getting that wee one not to rip me apart. At the end of the day, when I finally lay my head down and take stock of my life, I want to remember being in love and being happy, and having a close friendship with DtD, and knowing that our baby came out of that.

If we do IUI we will have to sacrifice. We will have to lie because we're using a known donor and not frozen. M. won't be able to be there for the insems. DtD will have to go to the intake appointment with me. Our baby will be born out of something very negative. And all of this to increase our chances from 20% to 25%. It doesn't feel right.

As lesbians we are already denied being able to concieve in the conventional manner. We face stress that many straight couples don't face in having to pick a donor and what kind of donor he will be. We don't get the intimacy of sex when we make a baby (we also don't get sex destroyed by babymaking). We are constantly pushed to make inteventions earlier than straight couples because the world views our conception process as a medical event rather than the natural meeting of sperm and egg.

So we're not going to IUI. Because M. and I are still wanting to hold onto our process. It may be "cute" but it's ours and it's important to us. We're not ready to sacrifice that quite yet.

and...we're negative

The beta came back <2.

I swear that my body finds every way to misbehave and tricks me into thinking maybe...just maybe...this is it. Last time on progesterone I spotted. This time, nothing. I guess it's possible not to start your period but not too common. Figures I'd hit the not-to-common area of things.

I think we're okay with things. It actually was fun to think we were pregnant for a little bit. And it will be fun to have drinks tonight with dinner.

Both M. and I now know that we are in for the long haul with this one, so it makes getting a BFN a little better. And knowing that DtD will go past twelve really helps.

This is the perfect moment to take inventory of what is good in my life.

• M.
• Four awesome cats
• Great parents and inlaws
• A good friend and donor in DtD
• KK and Jess, two of the best friends around
  
• A garden that I was complemented on by a stranger this morning
• My house, oh I love my house!
  
• Chuztpah, you need it to get through life sometime
• A job I love and a new career when most people never get a chance to do something different.
• This blog...who could ask for more?
• My sanity and general good health
• Much, much more!

Hugs and kisses to all our readers. Hang in there with us.

The Moby Wrap

Well, the beta has been sent STAT. Meaning we should know by this afternoon if we have a BFP or not. We did another POAS and got another NEGATIVE. But still no period. Argh. I know this could be because of the progesterone but the last time I took it I did spot, just later and longer than usual.

The Moby Wrap

I'm a fat girl. Not much getting around that. And my boobs are huge. So I have so spend a certain amount of time being concerned about whether or not things will fit. We want to sling our baby and finding a sling that would work over my (and M.'s) boobs is an issue. We've decided we want to use a Moby Wrap and it comes in just one size. So I emailed the manufacturer to find out about sizing, fit, etc... This is what I got back:

We have not yet met a mom who did not fit in a Moby Wrap. You'd simply tie the wrap in the back instead of bringing the fabric around the front to tie there.

Since you are planning ahead, we do make an extra long wrap and can have that made for you as well if you'd feel more comfortable going that route. Simply let us know what color you'd like and we can special order it for you.

What a NICE email. If I ever had any doubt, that seals it. When the time comes, we'll order a regular one and try it and then go to the extra long if we need it.

Time to go kill weeds with vinegar!

B-Day

2.5 hours until we head to the MD for our beta test.

We peed on a stick yesterday...negative. Grrrr. But still no spotting, no period, and I feel pretty much like crapola. If I'm not pregnant, this is the closest we've gotten so far.

Hope has taken over at this point. I listened to a story on NPR yesterday about babies who fight sleep and the best methods to help them get to sleep. I imagined what WE might do. I imagined telling our parents, telling DtD, telling KK, telling Jess, and eventually telling the world. I pictured us carrying our baby around, started mentally going through baby names...I mean full-on HOPE.

I still feel burned. We both do. I think M. and I will be okay if this is it, we'll feel like six tries was okay. It still hurts like a mofo. Nothing will ever take away what we've went through, and I know it's nothing compared to what other TTCers go through. Infertility hurts, even just the slightest taste of it.

So happy 06/06/06! This is the day that we go see if our little 006, the sixth try, may have stuck.

The Cherry on the Sundae

I had to add a little extra happiness. WA state recently passed a queer non-discrimination bill. The day after it passed, our asswipe initiative guru, Tim Eyman, announced he would put forth a referendum to repeal the law and an initiative to roll back the rights WA state queers have gained.

Today was the day for him to turn in his sigs for the referendum.

He didn't get enough sigs. ::happy dance::

The referendum has the lowest threshold of signatures to get on the ballot. Timmy didn't get what he needed, even after he appealed to the conservatve churches. And all the queers in WA state sighed in relief. I highly doubt he'll get enough sigs for the initiative.

What does this mean? NOW the WA state supreme court can rule on marriage.

Photo Friday: Hometown Oddities (way late)

The Hat and Boots

These are the boots. The hat isn't done yet. They used to be part of a gas station on Highway 99. When they built I-5 people stopped taking 99 and soon the Hat and Boots were closed. For years they sat in a vacant lot, crumbling, then some people in the neighborhood decided that the Hat and Boots needed to be saved. Now they sit in a local park. The hat still needs to be restored but the boots have been returned to their original glory with artwork done by the original artist.

The Hat and Boots is VERY Seattle.

Now that's kitsch!

A Filing Party and a TTC Update

A quick TTC update.

We're on day thirteen. Yikes. I started spotting yesterday afternoon but it's been over 24 hours now and no more spotting. My chart looks good. I have a blood test scheduled for Tuesday morning but we've decided that if I'm still not spotting in the AM and my temp is up, we're going to pee on a stick.

A Filing Party

In the meantime we're entertaining ourselves by watching a DVD of a show called Gay Weddings made by Bravo. It's really fun to watch these couples go through the wedding stuff and think back to our TWO weddings (he he). I mean how many people get lucky enough to marry the same person twice without getting divorced inbetween?

I turned to M. at some point and told her we should have a recommitment ceremony so we could get married AGAIN. Why not do number three? She said, "uh, NOT". She's right that two really is enough.

But we do have a legal marriage that will be recognized by our state some day, maybe some day soon. So we've decided we're going to have a FILING PARTY in honor of the day we can finally file our certificate. I want catering and a really fun band to dance to. At this point M. rolled her eyes. She knows I dream big.

The Progesteroni

Ah, I finally managed to sleep in. M. and I are heading to a Woo Woo health fair then down to see my pops who is without my mum as she travels back to her college reunion. In between we will stop and take care of the Fabu Miss Hiss who we are cat sitting.

Progesteroni

Since Calliope is contimplating the progesterone (and I love Calliope), I'm going to tell ALL about my lovely experience. I'm taking a 200 mg vaginal suppository.

The fun starts with the melting of the suppository. I have to take the suppository early in the evening then lay around to let it melt. If I take it later, it will dissolve in the middle of the night and drip out, leaving me with the famed cocoa butter thighs (soft, supple, buttery). If that happens, it wakes me up in the middle of the night and disturbs my sleep. I have to wear undies and a sanitary napkin to bed (yes kids, I typically sleep nakie) to contend with the leakage. Yay!

The side effects are fun too. I'm tired all the time. I mean dog gone yawning through work zonk out on the couch tired. I yawn my way through conversations, look at my friends through heavy lidded eyes and spend most of my time leaning against M. because I just can't support myself. Then come the abdominal cramps, lovely little cramps that I get to wake up to every morning, that wax and wane throughout the day.

Good lord, it makes it sound like I'm preggers. But I'm not necessarily, so I get to feel like I'm preggers but still may not be.

And that's the story of the progesteroni.

Making Deals

Sometimes it's really hard to come down after working, which is why I'm sitting here blogging and not sleeping-in like I'd promised myself.

So I've made a deal with no one in particular. And it's not even that good of a deal.

One of our nurse managers has cancer. I'll call her Marge.

It's not the nice kind of cancer that you can spend a few months feeling sick and nasty from chemo then move onto being a cancer survivor. It's the nasty mean kind of cancer that doesn't respond to chemo and doesn't shrink, and scares everyone because you know that your friend is closer to death than you'd ever want her to be.

I told Marge about our attempts to get pregnant the cycle where I started bleeding the day of ovulation. I told her because the only thing I could do at work that day was cry. It was on the day that she found out her tumor wasn't responding to the really-nasty-make-you-super-sick chemo that almost everyone with her kind of tumor responds to. She was the only person outside people who struggle with infertility who I felt could truly understand what was going through. Funny, she's struggling to save her life and I'm struggling to create life, and somehow those two things meet. We made each other feel better that day.

So back to the deal. I know it's a useless deal, but I need to make it. I'm not even going to give up anything in exchange, like eating my vegetables for an entire year or always being nice to my little brother. It's totally selfish and it's only about what I want.

I'm going to get pregnant and Marge is going to beat cancer.

That's my deal. Universe, are you listening?

Blogging for Queer Families: Rethinking Family

Queer families challenge us all to rethink the term family.

Most queers grow up in straight families, in a culture dominated by the image of mom, dad and 2.5 kids. It takes our own rethinking of family to decided to create our own. Then we take our families out into the world and cause the rest of the world to rethink what family is as well.

The first set-in-stone idea about family to fall is biology: the concept that it is simply our genetics, our blood connections, that bond people into groups termed family. This started with the queer community's insistance on family of choice, our determination to belong to some type of unit despite the rejection of our families of origin. This family of choice is now being fueled by the Other Mother and the Other Father. It is easy to face the world as the biological connection to a child. It is more difficult to face that same world and all her judgements without that blood bond and still tell everyone that you are THE MOTHER.

So family starts to move beyond genetics.

In WA State our supreme court has made ruling that pushes the boundary of parenting. This ruling is a direct result of same-sex parenting and the subsequent same-sex breakup. The term our court uses is defacto parenting: the connection that is formed through caretaking and nurturing, through financial commitment and taking responsibility for the well-being of a new life. Our court has said that biology does not make a parent and biology does not take being a parent away.

This is the beginning of rethinking family.

We will continue to challenge a society that has become complacent and accepting of only one version of family as the norm. We will do this by being out and proud, by being mom and mom, by being on boards and going to PTA meetings. This is quiet activism, and quiet activism works.

This post has been in honor of Blogging for LGBT Family Day!