The Status of the Swim Team

Without going into too much detail, the swim team is fine. Let me tell you, boys and their sperm are funny.

DtD got the SA results yesterday over the phone and reported that there are some things sub-par and others nice and high which make everything even out. We're waiting for the written result so we can full analyze our boy. The most important thing is his swimmers aren't hindering our getting pregnant and the last three cycles haven't been for naught.

So raise a glass to DtD's sperm. Now if we can just orchestrate that delicate union of sperm and egg...

Bambi's still hiding but we're expecting her to make an appearance today or tomorrow. Considering how negative I was feeling just a couple days ago, I'm amazed how positive I feel right now. I mean, really good.

Rocking the Night Away

In our pretty glider. Here it is, complete with a Zoe-cat!

It's not the most padded thing, but I think pillows will suffice. It's nice enough that we'll be able to keep it long-term. And it's been Zoe-approved.

New pics from Vancouver.

Back to work today.

And the big goal of the TWW...

CLEAN THE FRIDGE!

Ready. Start. Go!

We came up with the name for this insem over a plate of the best - and hottest - garlic chicken I've ever eaten (thanks to Anne and M. at Reflexive Verb).

Everyone, meet Bambi.

Short for bambino and makes a great stripper name.

We started last night, mere hours after blowing back into town. More later on our adventures in Vancouver, including pics. DtD came over to the house this time and succesfully masturbated in our bathroom (good boy!). Although it's been fine to pick up the swim team, it was nicer to be able to relax at home, burn some incense, meditate and warm my kidney qui.

I should ovulate Thursday or Friday, and then the insanity can begin again. There's a huge part of me that's not ready to get back on the rollercoaster. I know we'll be okay for a week, then all hell will break loose again, and I don't look forward to going through all the hope again just to have my spirit broken again.

Then again, it may actually work. I'm starting to feel that if it does work, it's going to be a miracle, some sort of black voodoo or change in the force. There is little rational about the process of getting pregnant for me anymore. It's become a sort of spiritual torture.

In the meantime, the semen analysis results should be back today. I think we're all a little nervous over that one.

GO BAMBI!

Things you DON'T say at a dinner party...

I've been feeling angry at DtD recently. Not based on anything he's done. It's because he's tied up in all my anxieties and feelings of failure around not getting pregnant. I've been feeling like I could use a break, and it really sucks to feel like you need a break from your friend. The way our timing works out, I don't get a break because as soon as we get our BFN, it's a week away from our next insem.

Once again, I need to spend time with DtD. Without time he becomes a commodity to me, the @#$!! sperm that's NOT getting me pregnant. When we hang out, I remember that he's our friend and someone we like a lot. That's what we did last night.

With his other friends. Who like to ask us questions. Like how do you know DtD?

M. froze. Her mouth hung momentarily open as she thought about how well we know DtD. Not quite in the biblical sense, but a little too close for party talk. She quickly scanned her brain for the most appropriate answer. One that did NOT contain anything about sperm. Or babies. Or getting pregnant.

Jebus!

We're off for our mini-vaca. See y'all on Tuesday.

Off to the Nakie Spa

If you live in the Seattle area and say "the naked spa" to any woman, they WILL know what you're talking about. So today, I'm off to the nakie spa.

I love to be naked. The best part is that I've never had a decent body so I don't have many qualms about letting all my many imperfections hang out. When we last had DtD and BF over for dinner, we had a conversation in which DtD exclaimed that when people do naughty things they use the word "naked" but when they are legitimately in the buff, they use the word "nude". His example was that you walk around the house in the nude. I looked at him and said: "I walk around the house naked."

Because I do. And I don't care what the neighbors think.

The nakie spa is an all-women Korean spa where you pay $25 to get in and can soak and steam to your heart's content. Poor M. will be out working to support our future family and I'll be with best friend KK getting my last dip in the hot tub before I get PREGNANT (thinking positive here, kids).

The Chair

We have our glider! It's actually a beautiful piece of furniture, maple seat, black back. It's nice enough to keep long-term in the house. We had to drive way out into the 'burbs to look at it, which made us both a bit itchy, but it was worth it, and we still have to borrow KK's truck to pick it up. I'll take a pic when we finally get it home.

DtD has been prepped for his analysis on Saturday.

I'm starting to pull out of the BFN funk a little. Which is good except we get to start it all over again in a few days. Mad world.

Happy Thursday to everyone. It's my Friday and then I have five off. And that's when I LOVE being a nurse.

::hugs::

Getting out of Dodge

We’ve decided we’re going to Vancouver, B.C. this weekend. We’re going to the hotel where we were married. We’re going to have sex. We’re going to have brekkie at the Granville Island public market. We’re going to take a water taxi and walk around the city. We’re going to the Capilano suspension bridge.

I’m so, so, so excited.

I love Seattle but sometimes I have to get OUT. What I really wanted to do was head to the Oregon coast, hole up in a cabin and storm watch but we need to be back in town Tuesday because we start round four.

Queer Activism and The Created Family

When I was going through nursing school we had a cultural competency class. I was excited because I thought this would the the chance to go over the issues queers face when seeking medical care. As nurses, we need to know that queers ARE different than straight people, have different issues.

One of the biggest issues in a healthcare setting is the created family. Created family comes in many shapes and sizes. It's made of best friends, adopted children, non-bio parents and so on. It's family of choice, not family of biology. I wanted my class to address the fact that the right of the created family to be at the beside of a queer patient should be recognized.

Instead we learned that cupping isn't abuse and sometimes it's okay for families to make medical decisions, not the patient. Blah, blah, blah. Good stuff, but not MY issue.

(From M.) Medical professionals are always in a power position. Their ability to deny you care is part of the oppression dynamic. If you're part of an oppressed group, going to the doctor can be additionally stressful. You live with the fear that your healthcare providor will find a reason to refuse to treat you. For an example of the imbalance of power, look at the Tuskegee study and the effect it has had on the black community in the United States. (/M.)

Even subtle reactions by medical personel leave their mark. You approach new situations with a certain level of trepidation. In the end queers seek less medical care and that hurts our overall health as a community. And this is because of the way medical professionals interact with us and our families. How many times can a queer family face being questioned over who has the right to parent their child? How many times can a partner deal with being told he doesn't have the right to make medical decisions. How does it feel to live with the fear that you're going to be told at every turn that you don't have the RIGHT be with the person you love?

It makes you angry.

I've found that most people aren't mean spirited, they are simply ignorant. They have a context for parenting and family that they won't break away from unless we gently challenge them. I've had to do this over and over again when I call M. my wife and I will do it again, over and over, when I tell people that we are both the mother.

We confront the oppression dynamic by changing it through our daily interactions. That's activism.

Playing it Straight: The American Dream

We're heading into semen analysis territory, which means we have to play straight. Because if the analysis folk know that I'm not fucking DtD, they won't do it.

I'm working on our cover story:

We met in a bar, I was drunk, had sex in the back seat of his car (I'm a slut). Married two years later in Vegas (drunk again). I'm having an affair with his best friend. He has an online gay porn habit and hits on my friends' husbands when he's drunk at Christmas parties. I snort a little coke every once in a while to cover my pain. My biological clock is ticking and I want my baby, damn it.

The American Dream.

Actually, I'm going to call DtD and tell him that if anyone asks, we have a happy marriage, I'm the best thing that ever a happened to him and he adores the ground I walk on. Now go and jack off into that cup!

Just Insert Baby

I'm a total gear head, especially when it comes to kitchen stuff. So why not some baby gear therapy to salve my broken heart? We'll be so prepared, all we'll need to do is insert baby.

I've started a spreadsheet that lists everything we'll need to get started once the baby is here. I listed what can be bought used and what needs to be new. I made a column to put the cost of the item into. I autofiltered it so we can see what is still outstanding. If anyone wants my spreadsheet, reply with your email and I'll send it!

I love used stuff! It's cheaper and we're not adding to the piles of stuffed that will eventually go to a landfill. I found a used Dutailier glide rocker ($75.00) we're going to look at after work on Wed. It's black and maple. If I watch our budget, maybe we can afford those tres expensive Pottery Barn pads for it.

My parents have a dresser we can have with plans to modify the top into a changing table. Now we just need a crib (not used).

I think we're going for the Peg Perego Prima Papa high chair (used) and a Stokke kinderzeat (right) for later use.

Share your gear stories! What do we need? What don't we need? What's a complete waste of money?

Desperate Measures...or Putting the Cart Before the Horse

Okay, so, we, uh...we, uhhhh...bought a stroller today.

We have some very logical thinking. Really, we do! Really.

It's a 2005 Zooper Zydeco, a truly sexy beast. We had already decided that would be the stroller for us - it has most of the features of the tres expensive Bugaboo but is so much cheaper. They're coming out with new models and the prices are going up. The store we bought it from had it VERY discounted and we're on a budget. It's a local store that we want to support. It's in pristine shape. We can resell it if we have to, probably for the same amount we just bought it for.

Logical. Right?

AND it made us feel better.

We're going to put it in the attic, cover it in plastic and pretend we don't own a STROLLER.

Ready. Set. MOCK!

Because I'm a Nurse...

There's an ad on the radio promoting nursing that promises a job that will make you cry for joy. I promise it will make you cry. It will make you sob until you have no tears left. But none of that is going to be for joy.

My patient today is dying.

Death happens all the time in the hospital. People go in and never come out. They end up sicker and sicker, needing machines to breath, needing fluids to keep them alive. They bloat and their skin breaks down. Then one day their bodies can't take it anymore and their heart stops beating. But instead of being able to gently slip away, people come and pound on their chest, crack their ribs, and their peaceful step away from life becomes a traumatic slide into death.

I've become numbed to hospital deaths.

My patient today is lucky. He won't have a hospital death. He has a family who is going to make decisions that will help him breath better, help his body relax, help him be comfortable as he slips over the edge. I've watched them today. Their eyes are never dry. Their hands are never still as they hold his hand, fix his covers, flip the pages of their bible. Their mouths speak to him, tell him how much they love him. I have held them in my arms and wrapped my self around them as tightly as I could and wished that I could take away their pain. I have cried with them and I'm still crying for them.

At some point I couldn't go back into that room. Their sadness and grief sucked me dry. I feel so guilty because I should have given more and I just couldn't.

Is this the damned joy the ad talked about?

My friends and coworkers want me to feel better. I tell them it's okay to feel sad. I just need to find the center, to find the balance that keeps my emotions and feelings from becoming overwhelming. Then I can go back to a job that challenges me at every turn, that pushes my every boundary, that demands all of me physically and emotionally.

I can't put into words how much being a nurse can hurt. I also can't imagine doing anything else.

Moving Forward

So we move on. Our next insem is only 1.5 weeks away. Moving forward is the only thing we can do. If I dwelled on all our possible failures, I think I'd end up paralyzed and overwhelmed.

And this time we're kicking it into high gear. I'm going to do whatever it takes to get good data, to prepare my body to be pregnant, to make our conditions as optimal as possible. Because maybe we were really pregnant and a) it was a mutant blastocyst or b) my body couldn't hold onto it. If that was the case, I can get pregnant again, damn it. And I will.

Time for work. The universe has decided not to double my pain and I had a good day yesterday. At my hospital, that never means today will be good, but I'm holding onto my hope in all aspects of life.

Thanks to everyone, I mean everyone...posters, lurkers...for all the kind words and thoughts. Y'all make it so much more bearable.

...and CRASH!

Temp drop. Aunt Flo. Stupid body. Stupid world.

Photo Friday: Young Sacha

No period. Still spotting. Blood test scheduled for Monday at 08:30.

Enough of that. On to Photo Friday.

---

The really sad thing is that we have NO pics of M. when she was younger. This is because her parents didn't talk to her for seven years after she came out and we never got to raid the family photo album for adorable pics of my sweet girl. So here are some of me...

Sacha and Dad

This is my at 1 y/o (year old in short hand) with my dad.

Considering that I'm 5'9" and rather strapping, and my parents are both shorter and more petite than me, I've been asked more than one time if I might be adopted. You can't see it here, but I actually look a lot like my pops, which rules out the milkman theory. And I'm pretty sure my mother went through labor with me since she's reminded me of it on occasion. Makes me wonder if our baby will look a lot of DtD, which then makes me want to ensure his family is never around that baby so they can make that connection.

Sacha at the Beach

I think this one is from Florida and may have been my first visit ever to the ocean. I'm 2 y/o.

Growing up we used to go camping on the Oregon coast all the time, despite the fact that it was about a six hour drive that included having to drive down into California to get onto 101, and usually had us pulling into the campground in the middle of the night and putting up the tent in freezing fog.

Years later M. and I drove from Seattle to San Francisco and stopped at Lake Shasta on our way down. I was stunned at how beautiful the area was. I asked my mom why we never camped at Shasta, which was less than two hours away from where we lived. She answered: "We liked the beach."

Sacha Around 2 y/o

Looking at the surroundings, this is from before we moved to Oregon, we're probably living in Sumner, WA. I can still remember the Raggedy Ann and Andy dolls that my dad's cousin made me.

I used to get a lot of handmade gifts from relatives. My grandma made me this fabulous orange knit stuffed cat that I named Lucy. Then she gave my brother the same stuffed cat but in brown. We decided since I had Lucy, his cat needed a corresponding name. And that's how my brother's stuffed cat came to be named Lucifer. He he, devil child from the start.

Sacha and Little Bro

This is my favorite picture of us together. According to my mum, we got along. All I remember was the minute he cried about anything, I got in trouble for doing it. Here we are at nature's wonder, Crater Lake.

...and STILL going...

We decided not to test this am no matter what my temp because there hasn't been much time between last night and today for the hormones to build up. So, nothing yet.

My Temp

97.8 this am. If you take yesterday's low temp, I'm going up. If you take yesterday's high temp, I'm going down.

My Spotting

At this point, close to non-existant. I had one episode of cramps yesterday which led to some bright red spotting. I didn't spot from 4 pm yesterday until now and it's a small amount of pinky brown with creamy mucus.

The Plan

As of Sunday I'll officially be late. Damn those two 12 day luteal phases. We're going to wait until Sunday morning to test again, unless Aunt Flo actually decides to show up. Then Monday we're going to get a blood test.

Coping

I finally had to call my mom, who I haven't really told much about our TTC journey. Because everyone needs the mom and I happen to have a (most of the time) good one. She helped me feel much calmer. If this is meant to be, it will happen and both M. and I have to keep focused on that.

In the meantime, I can't believe how much love I feel on this blog. Everyone gets virtual cookies today.

Still going...

Only when you pee on many sticks do you start to realize that there's just not enough LIGHT in your house. Yes kids, day two of BFN.

I'm still spotting. I'm not sure why I can't just accept that spotting equals period, but I can't. I'm still holding onto Monty because I like Monty. I want him to stick around.

We're back to yesterday's plan. Sleep (ha), temp in the AM, if it's still high, test. If it's low, cry. No big deal. After all, it's only a flesh wound.

Monty's Wild Ride...or...Never Ever Double Temp

Someday I will write a long post about how I got into nursing school. It was crazy as crazy can be and involved me quitting my job at 4:30 pm on a Friday and starting full-time school on the following Monday.

Monty is feeling just as crazy.

I started spotting yesterday. Pink and brown, a small amount And the cramping is gone, daddy, gone. But my period is NOT here. So we decide that we will do another HPT in the am IF my temps are still flat or up.

I woke up at 2 am and couldn't sleep until 3 am until I finally decided to take my temp (and pee).

97.7

Okay, it's over, temp drop means period. No more Monty. But...just in case...just to prove to myself that my period really is here...I tell M. "I'm going to temp at 5 am when I usually do." despite the illegality of double temping. My temp after two really good hours of sleep...

98.1...I mean REALLY...98.1

And we can't count either temp as legit because I was awake an hour before number one and only asleep for two prior to number two.

I'm still not even full-fledged spotting, so unless Aunt Flo shows up more definatively today (aka, bright red spotting, clots) we're testing tonight after work.

One more day...

Jebus.

My temp is up this morning. It's not a definite sign but it's a good sign. Better than any one before.

We had to pee on a stick this morning. For my sanity. Well, I did the peeing, M. stood naked in the bathroom, teeth chattering as we timed the entire ten minutes. We think we saw a slight, slight, slight alteration in the test paper where the positive line would be but overall, negative.

Going crazy, crazy, crazy.

I'm having cramps in my abdomen and they're aching into my back. My hips ache. I'm so discombobulated that I couldn't tell you if these are my regular period cramps and aches or if they're different.

My chart is looking different. One more day to get through. If my temp is still up tomorrow that would be the first official VERY DIFFERENT thing about this cycle.

The terrible sin of hope

I admit it. I'm hopeful. And I hate myself for being hopeful. Because it's going to make the crash all that much harder. My chart looks hopeful. I haven't seen even pink-tinged pee yet. Maybe I'm actually...gasp...pregnant?

Maybe NOT.

There's not harm in having hope. We need it to survive. There's nothing wrong with thinking that it actually might have worked and sometime around Thanksgiving we'll have a little one. There's nothing wrong with imagining that maybe, just maybe, there's a tiny life fluttering inside me at this moment. After all, would life be worth living without our dreams?

But hope also hurts like a goddamned mother fucker. It digs at your soul and tears you into tiny pieces. It chips away at your connection with reality. It lurks in the corners of your heart, waiting to pounce and remind you that you are not one of those people who are truly deserving of such things. Only other people are allowed hope.

I haven't figured out a good way deal with the horrid TWW. We have shown an amazing ability to go about a week and a day without feeling insane. I mean, we actually have only 4 HPTs in the house at this very moment. We're calm and in control. Then it comes crashing down. I barely slept last night. I have to go back to work tomorrow. I just want to sit on the couch, rock and bite at my nails.

I want my life back. Now.

I know it will be worth it but it doesn't feel like it sometimes. And for all my whining, I know there are patient and noble souls who go through this for fucking years. Bless you all.

Abortion Rights

Abortion is something I've been uneasy with for a long time. And I think it's especially hard for those of us trying to make a very wanted baby. After all, how horrible to think of a baby who would be wanted and loved not being allowed to become that child?

Not all children get to come into prepared and loving families. Too many are hurt both emotionally and physically, learn to be sexual beings too early through sexual abuse, worry about where their next meal or their next hug will come from. Too many have parents who may love them but don't know how to care for them, or are in the grips of drug abuse, or are simply still children themselves. Too many will grow up to perpetuate the abuse that is inflicted on them.

Then there's the issue of abortion and women's rights. I can't imagine someone dictating to me what I can and can't do with my body, the body that will be the sole physiological support for a developing child. The one that will go through sickness and pain, maybe hypertension and may even be threatened with death. How is it ethical to force a woman to go through an unwanted pregnancy?

I would love to live in a world where every child is wanted and abortion is used only in the most extreme cases. But I don't.

In South Dakota the legislature has passed, and the governor has signed, a ban on abortion so sweeping that it will only be allowed if the mother's life is threatened. If a doctor performs an abortion, he or she faces up to five years in prison. This was done with the specific intent of forcing a showdown at the supreme court level. This law is so heinous that it must be challenged, it will reach the supremes, and general opinion is with the appointment of Roberts and Alito, Roe v. Wade will not stand.

We are about to take a huge step backward. This is a wake up call.

M. and I are going to donate some of our scant monetary resources to support groups that are working to protect all women's right to an abortion. Because the people who should be deciding whether or not to have an abortion are women, not elected officials.

Babycakes Hits 10,000

Thanks to all our readers. We had our 10,000th hit today. It was someone in Australia - yay, we're international. I'm so glad people enjoy our crazy journey.

Hey babycakes readers, delurk and give us a shout out. Give mamas some sugah!

A little TWW indulgence...I'm crawling out from under my cold. Actually feel really decent right now. My temps look good (could be elevated 'cause of the cold) and I'm feeling optimistic. Of course, this could (will?) all crash a few days when my period shows up, but I'm going with the good feelings right now.

All our love, and peace.

M. and Sacha

Goodbye Luna

Luna is a baby orca who has been wandering alone in Canadian waters the last few years because he lost his family, or they lost him. He was so lonely that me made friends with people and boats, the two things that could really hurt him.

On March 10th Luna died. He approached a large tug boat during a storm and was pulled into its propellers. He died instantly. He was only six years old.

Orcas are intelligent, beautiful creatures who live as families called pods. They can live to be ninety years old. And they live together the entire time. It was terrible enough for Luna to be away from his family when he was so young and too trusting. He didn't have anyone to teach him that boats and people can be dangerous.

Orcas are also a huge part of life in the Pacific Northwest. We fell in love with them when M. worked for an environmental org and started to understand the devastation that has been wreaked on the orca pods and how endangered they continue to be.

We are so sad about this.

Farewell Luna, the little lost orca. You were loved by so many.

Read more about Luna here.

Unhealthy denials

M. and I have spent too many years with too little money. Right when things evened out for us, I ended up in school full time and we spent two years being chronically behind on our bills and completely depleted our meager savings.

Sie la vie.

Now that we're through that--M. is finally in a job she likes that pays well and not only am I making a decent salary, I have eternal job security--along comes impending baby. And it sucks because we deserve a break, and some nice dinners out, and maybe even a short weekend vacation. Instead everything is tinged with SAVING FOR BABY.

We've made a decision.

We're going to enjoy ourselves up to the very last minute (and trust me, we are NOT extravagent types). Because TTC is hard enough and BFNs suck ass. So why shouldn't we go to dinner and a movie? Or to Vancouver for a weekend? If it takes the stress off and doesn't blow the budget, do it. With my schedule there's no way we can go out every weekend anyway. And I'm buying the new Sarah Harmer* album, and DAMN IT, I'm going to go see her on April 12th at the Tractor.

Monty, your mommies are going to have fun.

*please note, Sarah Harmer is my only indulgence in girlie folk vagina singer-songwriter music, and she's fabulous, amazing, spectacular, and super duper fly.

Vegfest!

I have come down with some nasty little 48 hour cold. It started on Thursday at work and I've had to lay low for two days now to shake it. The good news is that my throat isn't sore anymore and I no longer have a raging headache. Anyway, I need to feel better because tomorrow we're going to...

VEGFEST!

I'm amazed at how politicized eating vegetarian is. My mother keeps asking if I'm a vegetarian using the same tone of voice she might use if she were asking if I'm a child molestor. You can't eat veggie without people treating you like you're making some sort of statement. My statement is this:

VEGETABLES TASTE GOOD.

Ask anyone who has been to my house for dinner. Damn good.

Here is MY truth: since I've reduced my meat consumption, my body has all over felt better. I have more energy. My bowels are fabulous. All is good. And I eat food that is so amazingly delicious it would floor most people that it's grain and vegetable based. Otherwise I wouldn't eat this way.

So, black eyed peas and cornbread with greens tonight for dinner. Mmmm. And Vegfest tomorrow. Yay!

I'm clear...

Zero HIV, hep B or hep C for either myself or my patient. I get my blood tested again in three months.

Whew!

Photo Friday: The Girls

These are our kitties, all girls:

Tamu is our oldest kitty. She was our first purchase together when I called M., told her I wanted to get a kitty, convinced her to skip class and then actually borrowed the money from her to get Tamu. Tamu is the world's most easy going kitty, although she does pull the occasional Queen Bee smackdown on the other girls. For a very long time it was just Tamu and her little sissy, Mischa.

This is Mischa. She was kitty number two, a tiny little runt we bought in April when it was hard to find kittens. She spent her first weeks in our house hiding under the desk because our oldest, Tamu, was so mean to her. Eventually they discovered they like each other, or at least Misch discovered that Tamu gives good bath. Mischa also loves food and has never lost that deep inner feeling that maybe there won't be enough food that she surely developed as a runt. Now Mischa is old and not happy that she's not the baby anymore. She has a basket she sleeps in and loves to drink water from the sink.

This is Sophia Maria, aka Sophie. Sophie is cat number three. She's a giant dilute calico pound kitty who we thought was the most cuddly cat in the world when we got her. Turns out she had a cold. She actually hates being picked up. It took her years to even get onto our lap. Sometimes I think Sophie lucked out in finding us because she's such a strange personality she probably would face a life of being abandoned over and over because she's simply not loveable. The Raymond Shaw of our cat family.

We have fallen in love with her despite her personality. She's actually a very sweet little girl, just wants to live by her own terms, not ours.

Lastly, Zoe, aka Bug, Buggle, Bugs, Bugs Bunny. Zoe came to us two days after 9/11/2001. A boy stopped by the house and asked if we wanted a kitten. Out of his backpack he pulled the most adoreable little van tabby kitten with a heart on her left side. I was just home from the hospital after a week of being on a heparin drip. The word 'yes' was out of my mouth faster than the speed of light, much to M.'s chagrin. And that's how we ended up with four furbabies.

Zoe is truly the baby, which pisses Mischa off to no end. She is happy and really loves her mommies. When we come home she follows us from room to room, flopping on her back so we can scatch her belly. And she only loves US. When strangers come to the house, or even friends and family, Zoe disappears under the bed, only to come out when they leave, blinking and yawning like she's had a nice, long nap. It's caused people to question if we really do have a fourth cat. She's gotten much better lately and will come out ever so hesitantly for a few specific people.

That's our cat family.

Zen

I'm so tired. Work really sucks the life out of me. As soon as I'm done with this post I'm going to collapse into my very comfy bed.

I'm enjoying Monty. Monty is nice. Monty is much less crazy than Sherman or Gert.

I'm also very happy and content right now. Maybe it's the moon. Maybe it's the goat milk I've been drinking. Maybe it's actually the acupuncture. Doesn't matter. I swear, I'm so much more zen than I've ever been. I'm so zen I think I might purrrrr. I feel damn good. And did I say HAPPY?

And it didn't take booze to reach this state.

I promise I'll have something actually interesting to say soon.

Seeking Donor Perfection Part IV: The Perils of Friendship

Charlotte has been working through some of the issues brought to the table by a known donor, and especially a known donor who is a friend. While some couples will use a sibling or even a stranger, I think most people who decided to go the known donor route will typically start by looking at their friends, and using a friend comes with some built-in baggage.

A friend most often comes to the relationship through one person in the couple. In our situation DtD came to us through his connection to me. And that connection has remained, although it would be better if we could find a way to equalize everybody involved in our attempt to make a baby.

It's hard.

There are a lot of intimate, difficult things that need to be discussed with a known donor, and when the KD is closer to one person in the couple over the other, the burden of communication falls onto the person with the prexisting friendship. After all, who really wants to talk to someone they don't know that well about when he can and can't masturbate, techniques for increasing sperm count, and good lord, LUBE???

So the balance tips.

It's natural for the KD and his friend start developing a certain level of intimacy that wasn't there before. It's to be expected given the situation. It's not unheard of for lesbians and their known donors to fallin love through this process. Rare, but not impossible.

Maybe the solution is to keep the KD at arms length. I don't think so. I've written many times how I feel the best way to keep everyone on the same page is to encourage intimacy and connection. The intimacy is not a bad thing, and I don't believe it's a long term thing. I do believe that if not recognized and accepted as a natural part of the process, it can go wrong. It's the LACK of connection that breeds bad feelings and drives people to start responding in inappropriate ways.

Everyone should love everyone as much as is possible. It's the only way we'll survive.

This is why I think it's okay to crush on your known donor. But those feelings need balance. If there is a moment when that intimacy truly starts to threaten the core relationship, all parties should pull back. The person not carrying should be heard and respected. I can tell you from experience that when you're in the grips of known donor craziness, it's not always easy to see that your behavior is hurting the person you love.

While using a friend as a donor seems natural, it's also complicated and sticky, sometimes even painful. And it takes a lot of work. But when it works, it can be an amazing experience for everyone involved.

---

Seeking Donor Perfection Part I
Seeking Donor Perfection Part II: The Enemy
Seeking Donor Perfection Part III: The Family Minefield

TWW #3

The egg has launched. DtD is off the hook for night number five.

We're both feeling pretty good right now. This isn't brand new territory any more. I think we'll go ahead and do a HPT on day ten just because it will reduce anxiety. I also know that I'm going to be a mess by the end of it no matter what we do, then we'll pick everything up again and head into cycle number four.

In the meantime, I'm thinking happy implantation thoughts. I've upped my B6. I'm eating pineapple. I'm welcoming little Monty in all the ways I know how. This is a nice place. Stay a while, take up residence. I promise, we're nice people. Flawed, perhaps deeply flawed, but nice.

Peace.

Best. Donor. Ever.

Well, he's not perfect, but we're feeling the love today.

I called him early to catch him before work and tell him that I have not ovulated and we're going to inseminate again tonight. DAY FOUR. His response? Did he whine that this is our first time inseminating for more than three days? Did he balk at yet another night of enforced masturbation? Nope. He said, and I quote: "Oh, I thought we were doing five days."

I almost lept through the phone and hugged him. Today he is best. donor. ever. I think he's convinced our lack of pregnancy might be a volume issue. :)

In honor of best. donor. ever., I didn't tell him that his semen gave me really bad cramps last night. I was going to ask him exactly what the hell he did to it, but M. says there's no way I'm going to ask him THAT. Hmmmmm and grumph.

How to get a Free Pregnancy Test...

All you have to do is do something stupid. I have discovered the worst possible way to discover that you’re pregnant.

I stuck myself at work today. Right through the pad of my thumb with an insulin needle. A dirty insulin needle.

As part of the full package deal when you get a needle stick is a blood test. AND a pregnancy test. What a terrible way to find out you’re pregnant.

It was not fun dealing with the anxiety and not being able to tell my coworkers that this is doubly hard because we’re actively trying to have a baby. It’s isn’t fun even having the possibility of AZT on the horizon. The nurse practitioner who took care of me said that going on the drugs would be a problem if I’m pregnant. And thank goodness for the rapid HIV test. Without the rapid HIV it would take days to get the results back and I’d have to be on the drugs until then.

The bigger risk is hep C. It’s easier to transmit than HIV and the tests take a few days to come back. Luckily I picked a good patient with a low risk behavior profile.

Onto brighter things. Or at least funnier.

DtD and his BF were going out last night and DtD tells me that he’s only planning to have 2-3 drinks because that’s how many he’s allowed to have according to the “directions”.

Directions?

Did I miss something or do penis’ come with directions? A manual? Is there a warranty? Is he afraid we’ll send his back?

He also said he’s started taking zinc to help his sperm count. I see our boy has found the world of internet research. So cute.

Seed, or losing The Magic

It's a seed kind of post.

Seed number 1 is my ear seed. It's this little pressure point thing my acupuncturist put in my ear to help with anxiety and sleep. When I get anxious I just have to rub it. Maybe it will take me away to some exotic locale, but probably not. I don't know if acupuncture will work, but I have to admit it was one of the better experiences I've had and I'm going back. M. is beside herself because my acupuncturist wants to see my charts. Finally someone will appreciate all her hard work.

The acupuncturist (I really need a nickname for her) has told me my spleen qi is off and I have to give up dairy. Dear lord, NO. NOOOOOO!! I'm going to work on cutting down.

Seed number 2 was delivered last night to our doorstep. DtD had to go to a box store that does NOT donate to the Republicans, so he decided to drop off the sample instead of our usual pickup and covert exchange in his driveway. Insemination round number three has started and much to Megan's chagrin, I want to name this one...Monty. Because I was lying on the couch watching Monty Python during the insemination.

Yes folks, the magic has gone.

Hot Lesbian Action

I miss my L Word. We watch it on DVD and can't get this season until October.

M. was promising me some hot lesbian action on Six Feet Under but it turned into some boring 'I don't fuck girls' scene. I don't think the L Word has great characters, development, plot and it can be quite heavy handed....but it's fabulous for a soft-core lesbian porn fix.

As you may have guessed, my sex drive is up. I don't know if DtD woke up this morning with a sense of impending doom (or maybe simply a sense of impending masturbation) but it looks like we're going to be starting earlier than expected. I'm going to pee on an OPK at 2:00 this afternoon, then we'll make a decision.

M. has told me I'm not allowed to explain to DtD that I either 1) need porn or 2) might hump anything moving...so we need to inseminate NOW.

Four Meme

Just for fun (because I was back at work today after five off and I need either some fun or a nice strong drink...)

Four non-nurse jobs I've had:
1. computer administrator
2. inside sales
3. retail clothing
4. reprographics

Four reasons nursing rocks (okay, I added this one):
1. My money is hard earned. I work my ass off.
2. You can't watch medical shows on TV without yelling at the screen, makes it that much more amusing.
3. We save lives!
4. Is there another job out there where you can learn that your patient has scabies at the end of the day and you suddenly realize you really, really need a shower. And despite all that, your job still rocks? Beats the shit out of a desk job.

Four authors, books or series I read over and over:
1. Ann Marie MacDonald
2. The Sopranos (not the TV show) by Alan Warner
3. Anything on the holocaust
4. The newspaper, because we all should read it every day

Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. Spirited Away (or any other Miyazaki)
2. The Little Princess (1997 version)
3. House of Flying Daggers
4. Strictly Ballroom

Four TV shows I love:
1. Veronica Mars
2. Grey's Anatomy
3. Anything interesting on Frontline
4. Kids in the Hall

Four Places I've Lived:
1. Eatonville, Washington
2. Klamath Falls, Oregon
3. Spokane, Washington
4. Seattle, the Emerald City, baby

Four Places to Vacation:
1. British Columbia
2. New Zealand
3. Napa Valley
4. The Olympic Peninsula

Four sites I visit/use daily:
1. Google
2. babycakes
3. My web based email
4. Friendly Hostility

Four People I'd like to Meet in Person, based on their Blogs:
1. Trista
2. Charlotte
3. Calliope
4. Anne
5. All the babycakes readers, lets have a convention at my house!

Four Foods I Year for:
1. Creamed Spinach on Toast
2. Creamed Spinach on Toast
3. A cupcake from Two Tarts
4. Creamed Spinach on Toast

Four Inventions I'm Grateful For:
1. The interent
2. High index lenses
3. The Sonicare toothbrush
4. Vibrators and lube

Four Musical Choices for my Personal Soundtrack
1. Destroy Everything You Touch, Ladytron
2. Fuck and Run, Liz Phair
3. There's a Light that Never Goes Out, Smiths
4. All Apologies, Nirvana

Four Nouns that Describe Me:
1. Nurse
2. Wife
3. Cook
4. Thinker

Four bloggers I'm tagging:
I'm not tagging. If you want to gak this from me, please feel free. After all, I gakked it from someone else.