Pregnancy Update, Or GOOD LORD, maybe there ARE twins in there...

Friday beta
300

Monday beta
1566

Doubling Time
30.20

still pregnant

Lurching into a New Phase

M. and I both had the funniest reaction to finding out that we're...ahem...pregnant. We both suddenly had NO IDEA what the hell to do next.

It's so emotionally painful to look at the next steps when you're caught in the middle of TTC. When it's Taking Some Time to Get Pregnant, you stop yourself from thinking beyond that moment that you get the call from the doc, or watch that line appear on the HPT. It's hard enough to handle the hope of each cycle, let alone think ahead to practitioners and ultrasounds and all the bajillion decisions that have to be made.

You've been on hold and suddenly your life lurches forward.

It's so good to finally move into the next phase. We can finally see how things are going to work our donor. We can finally see how our families are REALLY going to react since the little frog is reality instead of concept. We can finally allow ourselves to envision our family, the entire family, including some screaming, wrinkley pink little thing.

At the same time, being UBER PREPARED LESBIANS, we are left with a knowledge gap to fill. What will our lives look like for the next eight months? At this moment we have no idea.

In the least I know I have a limited amount of time to use profanity without little ears listening. I haven't quite convinced M. of the importance of teaching our kid to curse properly.

Belly Shot #1

I swear I'll talk about something besides our brand spanking new pregnancy in a few days. We're quite obsessed at the moment.

I'd always promised a FAT GIRL belly shot. Because I'm not going to let the world shame me into invisibility. So here it is. Our very first belly shot. And you know what, that's all MY belly and very little baby...because it's only a couple mm at the moment.

M. says I have bloat going on. He he. Bloat.

Really? Oh wow!: DtD's Reaction

We told DtD yesterday. Actually I told him over the phone. We were planning to tell him in person but when I called him to ask if we could come over he asked how the test turned out and I blurted.

Bad, BAD Sacha.

First he said Really? Oh, wow!. Then he told me that we should have just woken him up instead of letting him get a good night's sleep. We went to his house and he said...

Congratulations Mommas!

He he.

He'd already told BF. It's official, if they're not having sex, it's not OUR fault any more.

Then we had a little bit of a dicey situation today. DtD was helping with our friend Jess' party and when Jess saw him she ran up to him, hugged him and said...congratuations!

ARGH.

Firstly, Jess isn't technically supposed to know he's our donor. Secondly, he's not the one she should be congratulating, unless she's just REALLY happy that he has working sperm.

How much do we love our boy? We love him SOOOOO much because he immediately redirected her and said Why are you congratulating me? You should be congratulating them!

That's the reaction from our donor and we couldn't be happier. Best. Donor. Ever. He's doing his job and doing it well.

Four Weeks, Two Days

First, thank you and hugs and well-wishes to everyone who is reading, and commenting. M. and I are overwhelmed. Both with the news that we are pregnant and by the response here.

A few thoughts on being pregnant.

It took an entire crowd to make this baby. Two docs, one donor, our friend Jess who stated that morning "my cousin got pregnant so now you can too!" then called us in the middle of the IUI, Roy who blessed the sperm on the way to the IUI, Kim, my acupuncturist who worked so hard to help me see that the rest of the world's journey is not MY journey, countless readers of this blog, as well as all our heart and soul.

Ironies? You know we can't have life without irony. We have our date and room for our 6+ months queer TTC group AND we convinced our neighbors who have been TTC longer than us to come to our kick off meeting. We working on accepting that they may hate us from now on. And we won't be able to lead the group.

What's next? We have beta #2 on Monday. I made an input appointment with Dr. G. for August 11th.

How's the physical stuff? I feel mildly crappy. Head hurts. Stomach uncomfortable. Gassy. M. thinks I'm in for a rough ride because I tend to be quite sensitive to my every day hormones.

What made us pregnant? Isn't this what everyone is grasping for, that magical combination of events that lead to sperm uniting with egg and egg deciding to stick around? M. and I are a little confounded on this issue. We could say the IUI, but our timing was crap. We could say the unusually large donation volume from DtD for our first home insem, but we amazingly enough only got about half in because of various mishaps. The one thing I can point to that I think may have been part of it...I had what appeared to be an unusually strong ovulation for me. Who knows???

Part of me is happy that we can't point to one thing. I haven't lost my conviction that TTC is the world's biggest mind fuck and crap shoot.

I'm worried. Surprisingly enough, not about getting that little frog sitting in my uterus out. After all, lots of women get it out so it goes to figure that I will too. Not about the bajillion decisions we have to make now. Not about the baby sticking.

I'm worried about losing touch with TTC, that now that we're pregnant all the pain will wash away and we'll be left in some sort of glowing stupor, unable or unwilling to reach out to those around us who are still struggling. I'm worried that at some point I will casually tell someone else who is struggling with TTC that it should happen because it happened to us, not respecting their journey or their pain. I always thought that I would wear these seven months as a battle scar, a constant reminder that there is too much pain in the world, too much heartbreak. I don't want to lose sight of that.

Last thoughts.

• Although we have the gold standard of a beta test, M. has been making me pee on sticks. He he.
• It's nice to not want to kill pregnant women any more.
• We can go into baby stores without having an emotional meltdown now!
  

Babycakes is Officially a Pregnancy Blog

We're positive!

Beta 300, we're going in for a second beta on Monday.

The Camping Trip

It's actually cloudy this morning and I have few minutes before I have to wake M. up, shove her in the shower then head for our monthly beta. I'm feeling hopeful and I hate hope sometimes. If it's negative, it's the c-word and we keep on plugging.

DtD Story (just a short one)

DtD took care of our girls while we were gone. He's actually a fantastic cat sitter. M. was talking to our boy last night and tells him how upset we are about the court ruling and how it sucked to come home to it. He replies:

Yeah, I was going to throw out that paper.

He he. Funny boy.

A Camping We have Gone

M. and I haven't been camping in years, ironically because of lack of money. We had just about the most perfect trip ever. It was just the two of us...ahhhhhhh....

A long time ago, back when we both had well-paying full-time jobs and I wasn't in school, M. and I spent a year, and a lot of money, making sure we had primo camping gear. It was worth it. And just so everyone knows, while we have good camping gear...good enough to go backpacking, M. and I are hard core CAR campers. We camp small and we camp comfortable and we camp with showers.

Back to the trip...

We camped at the Dungeness Recreation Area, home of Dungeness Spit and Dungeness crab, outside Sequim. It's right over the Strait of Juan de Fuca and on a clear night you can see Victoria. It's some of the most beautiful country I've ever seen: rolling fields and meadows, coastal forests, just amazing.

The whole area is very strong in agriculture so everywhere you go there are u-pick farms: lavender, blueberries, strawberries, raspberries. There are dairies selling raw milk and organic farms. Lots of fresh and healthy food.

When we arrived we were shocked to find that it was COLD. It had been so warm in Seattle that I had brought only one sleeping bag and a sheet. After I admitted my stupidity three-fold, we went to Costco and bought a cheap sleeping bag (another reason I love this area, you're literally twenty minutes from civilization.)

Sleeping on the ground was miserable and I spent the entire first night dreaming that we'd staked the tent on the back of a creek and were falling in. My hips are bruised since I'm a side sleeper and my shoulders are sore. The one gear item we don't have are some good sleeping mats and I think we'll be adding them to our stash before our next trip.

We cooked foil dinners in the coals and roasted marshmallows. We sipped hot chocolate as we shivered by the fire. We got DIRTY.

During the day we drove around, visited a U-pick flower farm and brought back the world's largest bouquet back to the campground, so we had flowers for the trip. We picked bunches of lavender and bought jam. We picked up presents for the boy. We went into Port Angeles and saw these amazing, elaborate sand sculptures. We went for this amazing walk at the camp ground that took up through this beautiful meadow, a coastal forest and an overlook where we could look out over the whole Dungeness area.

There was even some drama...a sea canoe with six passengers capsized on the strait and the Coast Guard couldn't get a ship in close enough to rescue them because of the waves. They ended up pulling them out of the water with a helicopter. They closed off the park and M. went and watched the rescue.

Overall, it was an absolutely fantastic trip. Although I'm very glad to be home (I'm always happy to come home) I can't wait to go camping again.

Time to wake up my girl and get going to the doc.

I am NOT proud to be a Washingtonian today

We're back from our camping trip. It was fun. Beta tomorrow at 9 am. More later.

We were greeted by our state supreme court telling us that the state has the right to deny M. and myself the right to marry. It pretty much denies that we exist as a minority.

The state supreme court said that the state had provided a RATIONAL basis for denying us marriage. Here's the so-called rational basis: furthering procreation and encouraging families in which children are raised in homes headed by the children's biological parents

ummm...FUCK YOU!

This from a court that recently created the status of the NON-BIOLOGICAL defacto parent. This from the state that recently passed a non-discrimination law (okay, it took them thirty years, but they did it).

The biological parent thing really pisses me off. What about adoption? Is that family not encouraged now? And, by the way, queers CAN create families that have biology involved. Has that been forgotten? Does that not count because it doesn't fit into a narrow definition of family? And how is procreation and biological family homes related to my RIGHT...my fucking RIGHT...to be legally connected to my LEGAL wife in my own state?

We are crying. We are sick. We never in a million years expected this ruling. Maybe civil unions but not THIS. I am ashamed of our supreme court today. I'm ashamed of our state. I hear they pay well for nursing in Mass. Maybe it's time for us to get out of dodge.

More info...

NW Women's Law Center Press Release
ACLU Press Release
Seattle PI: FAQ on Ruling
Seattle PI: Washington's Gay Marriage Ban Upheld
No Wedding Bells for State's Gay Couples

Gone Camping

M. and are getting out of the hot and nitty gritty city for a little time in the wilderness. That is, the type of wilderness that has bathrooms and showers.

Babycakes won't be updated while we're gone.

We shall return with tall tales of the geat outdoors. We'll miss y'all.

Day 10 and Counting or You've lost that pregnant feeling...

It's still hot in Seattle. I mean broiling. Okay, broiling for us, who wilt above eighty degrees.

We've reached day 10 for the eighth time. How is the TWW going? Not too bad. I get to feel sick every morning from the progesterone, which is fun. Anyone else would probably feel pregnant but afer eight long cycles of this, I know that no matter how I feel I'm still most likely NOT PREGNANT.

M. would only be happy if I were puking my guts out.

I've decided that 50% will tell you they felt "different" on the cycle they got preggers and the other 50% will tell you that they felt "nothing". I can tell y'all this, when we finally get our BFP, I don't think I'll actually believe it.

Or I'll cry. I suggest placing bets on crying.

I'm still hopeful. I know this because in the back of my mind I'm planning how I'm going to tell people. I do this every cycle. How will we tell DtD. How will be post it on the blog. How will we tell our parents.

I also tell myself that I'm okay with the crash and burn that I know will probably happen.

Ethics and Nursing: The Katrina Arrests

I don't know if anyone has been following the case in New Orleans where a doc and two nurses have been arrested for causing the deaths of four patients during hurricane Katrina. They haven't been officially charged, but they're going to try for second degree murder.

I am just SICK about this.

I'm sick from the perspective of a healthcare provider. I can't imagine having keep a very sick patient going with no idea if help is going to arrive or not. I can see it making sense to decide to make a patient comfortable versus trying to keep them alive in horrendous conditions. Is it unethical to make a decision that will hasten a patient's death? Is it not also unethical to keep them alive when you don't have the resources to treat them at the level they need to be treated? I can see making the decision to walk in the room with morphine and versad.

Here's the reality. With the so-called miracle of modern medicine we are able to keep people alive much longer. We can tweak their systems and keep them going well beyond the point that nature would have taken its course. We rely on our medical systems to do this and when our medical systems break down, decisions have to be made. There is no such thing as a good death in our society. We are so afraid of death that we use all our resources and energy to prevent it at all costs. This means we have some very, very sick people out there who are kept going, who live on a thin line between life and death all the time. These are not healthy people to start with. I highly doubt that any of the patients in this case were healthy.

Then you have to look at it from the perspective of the families. They have had their loved one ripped from them with no input. Maybe they would even make the same decision but it was a situation where they couldn't be consulted. They've been robbed of a dignified death.

Then entire situation is shit. I just don't believe that these women are murderers and that what they did was homicide. This is a case of politicians second guessing the work and decision making of medical professionals.

Discuss if you want. Feel free to disagree with me. I'm very opinionated and I know it!

More reading:

Patient Deaths in New Orleans Bring Arrests - NYT
Louisiana Doctor Said to Have Faced Chaos - NYT
Fury Meets Katrina Hospital Arrests - LAT

Baking in Seattle

Geeze, it's supposed to hit 95 degrees today. We're going to the mall, then a movie, then back to the mall.

Keep cool!

Queer Movies

M. and I have been having our own little queer movie fest lately. We did Big Eden, then Fucking Amal, then Chutney Popcorn.

Chutney Popcorn is the ultimate queer TTC movie! It's all about lesbians trying to have a baby, and while it plays fast and loose with the nitpicky details of TTC (you don't stick sperm in a cooler and use it for later, and who really uses a turkey baster???) it totally captures the craziness and weird dynamics when you're using a village to make a baby.

Anyone else have queer movies they love? The festival continues and we'll always take suggestions!

The Amazing Power of Just Asking

I'm still seething about our visit with Dr. Grandpa back in April. Why am I still so angry?

• Dr. Grandpa sent us into a trauma spiral for a couple weeks where we re-examined our entire TTC process, fought with each other, cried and were generally upset. He stole precious time from us.
• He was condescending, insulting and not empathetic about our situation. We needed someone who could work with a queer couple. He could not.
  
• He told us we were the MOST ANXIOUS AND STRESSED TTC couple he'd ever seen, evidenced by our charting my temps, and that was why we weren't getting pregnant.
• When we went to see him I had really needed some help from a professional and he hurt us more than helped. We ended up seeing another OBGYN and she actually respected us, our process, our needs and gave us answers.

I had to call the hospital because in the ultimate insult, they are actually CHARGING us to be lectured by Dr. Grandpa, and it appears they haven't bothered to bill my insurance. Then I ask them...is there any thing I can do if I feel that my visit was a waste of time?

Yes! Turns out I can contest the charges.

GLORY GLORY ALLELUIA.

So we're contesting Dr. Grandpa. And it feels damn good. We do have some say in this situation and all it took was me asking the right questions. Even if they end up charging us, at least it's not without a fight.

Tribute Tuesday Victims!

Have I ever mentioned that I truly LURVE Calliope? She is the essence of support and love, which is why M. and I are honored to be singled out by her for Tribute Tuesday. All our thanks and all our love.

So a little indulgence in TWW stuff...

I FEEL LIKE CRAP.

It seems that my body reacts differently to the progesterone each cycle. Last cycle wasn't so bad. This cycle is a BITCH. It was a bitch even before I took the progesterone. I started off with cramping and GI upset from ovulation on. Neither M. or I think this is particularly bad. It could mean that I had a nice strong ovulation, or even that I popped out two eggs.

None of it means I'm pregnant. It never does.

In the meantime, I'm entertaining myself by working on our new support group and volunteering for the upcoming Seattle Lesbian and Gay Film Fest. I used to house manage for them YEARS ago and I think I'm going to go back. It's fun, we'll meet new peeps and it's something other than sitting around obsessing about TTC.

Support Matters

There is a cultural push in our society to be quiet around pregnancy. That quiet turns into isolation when you don't get pregnant right away.

When M. and I first started trying we were determined to be quiet about TTCing. As time as gone by I have started to come out about what we're going through. I can't be alone in this anymore. I've given up self-imposed isolation. I'm telling everyone...neighbors, coworkers, friends, strangers on the street. It's the only way I feel I can stay sane.

Support seriously matters. There is evidence that being involved in a support group can increase success rates. Which is why I'm excited that I'm going to be starting my TTC support group as well. It's something positive I can create from all this pain. There is nothing worse then feeling that everyone around you is okay and you're not. It's a wonderful moment when you realize that you're not alone. I hope M. and I can bring together people who are feeling alone as well and create something beautiful.

I hope all people Taking Some Time decided to be open about their process and everyone who knows someone in the TTC process, no matter what stage, realizes how much their friendship and support means to the person/couple going through it.

Superheroes, or Perhaps the Most Ridiculous Post Ever...

Poor M. She has married a girl who has a thing for comic book movies. We saw Superman Returns a couple weeks ago and I'm eagerly awaiting Spiderman 3.

Observations of the movie? Lex Luther made the whole movie. Lois Lane flaps her arms a lot. The Superman as Christ figure was heavy-handed: he rises from the dead; he knows all; he's the saviour of the world; he's the only son. Then there's this whole speech about how the father is the son and the son is the father. A little much. The fundies will LOVE it.

Who is the best superheroe? My list goes Spiderman, The X-Men, Batman then Superman.

Why does Spidey kick ass? Well, he's the everyman. Unlike Batman, he's a normal guy, not some crazy rich dude living in a manse. Unlike the X-Men, his powers were stumbled on, not part of his genetic makeup. Unlike Superman, Spidey is human, not some alien permanently stuck outside the experience of the people he saves. He is a normal guy stuck in the middle of extraordinary circumstances. He's tortured. He's misunderstood by society and demonized. He struggles with the responsibility he's been given. After all, as Uncle Ben has taught us, with great power comes great responsibility.

Yes, this is the most ridiculous post ever. I'm going to bed now.

Cycle Eight Name

We lost our excitement over naming our tries a few tries ago. Everything was feeling tiresome and difficult, so we didn't feel like it was worth making it fun anymore.

The fun is back.

The official name of this try is....Baby Oni, or Oni.

Me, M. and Oni went dancing last night, or at least little pre-Oni since implantation hasn't happened yet. It was a giant lesbian dance party...what a perfect way to start a baby...loud music and hot girls.

I'm kind of having fun with this cycle so far. I can tell that no matter the outcome, it's going to be rough ride. I'm feeling just about as sick as I do when I'm taking progesterone, which means once we start the little lovelies it's going to be REALLY bad. The fun part is correlating my crappy symptoms with my temp. I felt like crap all day yesterday and, lo and behold, the temp is up today.

Woot!

One Hot Ovulating Mama

...or mama-to-be!

The egg has dropped and we're into the TWW again.

The Good and the Bad

It's been such an amazing cycle. We start with Dr. G. telling us that she'd do the IUI for us, then we meet TTC lesbians who live JUST around the corner, our friend Jess' cousin got preggers using IVF, then the bad...we have a somewhat botched IUI because my body decided delay ovulation a bit.

So we did an IVI, an IUI and another IVI last night. More good in that our boy gave us good volume even through we flogged him. He he, I guess he likes being flogged.

I finally took the opportunity to thank DtD for everything he does, because he is really awesome and he doesn't even know it. He just brushed it off, saying "oh, I'd be doing it anyway."

Okay, I can buy that he would masturbate on a regular basis but I don't think it's small thing to abstain from having sex with your partner, masturbate on demand into a cup in various locales and then give it to your friends so they can get pregnant. He even called in sick to work because the IUI had to be done in the middle of when he's normally sleeping. All of this with pretty much no fuss.

So, no, he's not your average Joe who would just do IT anyway.

It Takes a Village to Create a Baby...

Or in this case one DtD, one doc, one ME, one M., one medical assistant who witnessed the entire event, one Jessica who called as I was flat on my back with my legs spread and a speculum up my vagina, one awesome charge nurse who covered my patients....

Should I go on?

This baby is becoming public property with all the people now involved.

Well, kids, we finaly did it. One IUI down, maybe zero to go, maybe not. It just feels so damn good to do something different. And M. got to check out my lovely cervix.

Gonna Wash that Sperm...

It's a good thing that DtD is less feisty than me and prevented me from going after the Clinic That Sold His Info with all the fury of a mother bear, because...well...we're using them to do the sperm wash.

Ironically, they'll do the wash for us with the least number of hoops. The lab tech and I have agreed that we know NOTHING and DtD is officially my BF. He he. My very first BF. I have to run and scribble an entry in my diary right away and all of the sudden Barry Manilow songs are making sense.... ::sigh:: Dear Diary...he's sooooooooooo dreamy....I wonder why he keeps making comments about other guys' asses.

Anyway...

We did approach the so-called Friendly Clinic and they called back saying that they really needed the labs for me and my "partner". Unless they want M. tested, seems the person on the other end of the phone didn't bother to read my file enough to know that he's NOT my partner. I never have been so happy to tell someone that we wouldn't be using their services.

I wish I hadn't hung up the phone so soon. In retrospect, what a great opportunity to inform them that they are actively preventing me from managing my own healthcare. They narrowly avoided being exposed to my diatribe about my right to autonomy and to make my own decisions. And this is a place that strong supports a woman's right to chose. At least if you want to terminate a pregnancy, but if you want to create a life, it's a whole 'nother story.

Irony at its best.

IUI: Code Green for Go!

I'm very posty today.

Well, we did our OPK for the day and...HOLY SHIT BATMAN...it's, ummm...positive. I called the fertility clinic and made an appointment for DtD and the wash. I made an appointment for me at Dr. G.'s office. I called into work and talked to the nurse who will be in charge tomorrow and she'll cover my patients for me. I called DtD and left him a message telling him that we're Code Green for Go. I just got off the phone with Dr. G. and she's written the order for the wash to be done. Everything is in place.

This is really happening.

I'm the ovulating machine lately. My cycles seem determined to stay short. We extend my luteal phase with progesterone and my body decides to start ovulating early. Hmmmmmm.

Cycle 8: Stinking Like Sperm or That's some Tasty Porn

I maintain that I don't mind semen when it's fresh. It's when it sits in your vagina (M. is relieved I didn't say 'twat') that it starts to smell what I call "um, NOT like ME." Sperm stank!

Cycle eight has started. So many GOOD things have happened that I'm having a hard time maintaining a blase, hopeless, apathetic attitude. We even got a larger than usual donation today, which means it must have been some truly tasty porn.

Hope is back in full force.

TTC Empowerment!!!!!

I'm SO excited about the responses to my 'eureka' moment. What will it take to create a space on the web dedicated to empowering all queers around TTC?

If you're interested in working on this project, email me...sacha at drizzle dot com. We can start brainstorming via email or create a yahoo group to discuss on. And Calliope, you have been deemed an honorary family member so I fully expect to get an email from you!

And I want to get boys involved...I can imagine their isolation could be worse than ours.

In the meantime, I submitted my application to the LGBT Center for our Where's My Baby! support group. It's going to be a reality and I'm so excited. August 8th is our tentative date.

Q&A Redux Part VIII

From Anonymous...

Are you concerned that your weight might make TTC more difficult?

Firstly, I don't find this question rude at all. The reality is that I'm fat and that brings up some specific health concerns. I don't mind addressing them.

As for TTC, there are plenty of fat people who get pregnant and have successful pregnancies. When I first told my mother that we were going to start trying to get pregnant, she told me she was worried I wouldn't be able to carry a child because of my weight. Very far from the truth.

That said, YES, losing weight would help. It's not going to MAKE me pregnant, and I'm not getting BFN's over and over because of my weight, but it would HELP. Which is why I work every day to eat healthy and be active.

There is so much guilt put onto the overweight in this society, and it's increasing with the concept of fat as an epidemic. I hope that every woman, and especially every woman who is TTCing or pregnant, can come to terms with her body, because the only way we can truly love another human being is to start by truly loving ourselves. Seriously. I see so many issues between children and parents that come from the parents' inability to love themselves and the subsequent punishment of their child for their own perceived short-comings.

My body may not be perfect but I'm going to love her anyway. That's as important as eating healthy and exercising regularly.

Inspiration!

We had the coolest day.

Sometimes I'm amazed at how life works. Today we ended up going to a community picnic that we never would have gone to, except I got a bad case of hives and had to go home from work. We met another lesbian couple that we've heard of but never have run into them until now. They mentioned something about injections after I mentioned that I'm a nurse, our ears perked up.

They are TTCing too! And they're Taking Some Time to Get Pregnant. We have found ourselves kindred spirits.

Maybe this is part of the plan, the one that we don't always see and sometimes get a tiny glimpse of. We needed to meet these people. They have been through the TTC wringer worse than us, going from clinic to clinic, having things mishandled, trying over and over again. I'm so excited that we've found ourselves new friends and they live just around the corner.

I had a 'eureka' moment today.

As I was listening to their story it struck me how little power people have when it comes to TTC. If you start down the road of interventions you end up at the mercy of clinics and doctors. You don't see that you are an equal participant in the process and you lose your voice to the expertise of the doctor. You can't see any option but to pour money into the coffers of the infertility industry that promises to give you what you so desperately want and then you still don't get pregnant.

M. and I are lucky. Being a nurse has given me an acute understanding that I do have a voice when it comes to my own healthcare. M. has worked hard to gain a breadth and depth of knowledge about TTC. She could run circles around most people when it comes to TTC information. This has allowed us to take control of our health care and not to be at the mercy of the infertility industry.

What was my eureka moment? It's time to take control. We all must share our experiences and empower other TTC lesbians. We should be teaching each other about home IUI. We should be forming a resource network of providers who will work with TTC lesbians and with known donors. We need to share information and break down the isolation that TTC can bring.

I am talking about an act of rebellion against the medical industry. By sharing our knowledge and our stories we can shift the balance of power away from the experts and the doctors that profit off infertility and back to the patient, where it belongs.

Q&A Redux Part VII

From Anne...

When your baby arrives, will one of you stay home for a period of time? If so, who? And how long do you get off or will you have to take a leave or quit?

I grew up with a mom who not only worked but one who was the primary bread winner for our family. I never realized how much this affected my world view until I went to college and heard people, one after another, tell what their dad did for a living then refer to their mother as "his wife". I am SO PROUD of my mother and she is a huge part of my strength in life. For this reason, I think it's important for our child to have working mothers.

But I realize that it's also optimal for our baby's development to be out of day care for at least a year. Luckily M. works part time and as an RN my schedule is very flexible. With some juggling, and never seeing each other, we can keep the baby out of day care for that year. One of the reasons we've waited until now to TTC is prior to this we would have had to do day care because we need both our incomes.

We have crap for maternity leave in the states. Some countries mandate a certain amount of time off. Not here. You could give birth and head back to work a week later and no one would blink an eye. Our plan is for me to take three months of maternity (using my vacation, holiday and sick leave) then for M. to take 2-3 months of maternity. After that we'll fix our schedules so when I work, M. is home and when M. works, I'm home. At a year we'll put the kid in part-time day care so we can see each other.

Will M try to breastfeed when you give birth and vice-versa?

We went through this discussion and considering M.'s funky hormones, we've decided trying to stimulate her lactation wouldn't be a good idea. Especially since #2 will probably be worked on ASAP. BUT...if M. gets pregnant quickly I would probably still be breastfeeding and we'd both breastfeed both children. Why should only one person be the milk cow?

Q&A Redux Part VI

From Stacey...

When did you decide to begin TTC?

M. and I knew we wanted to have a family early on in our relationship. It's been our plan for years and years and years. We were going to start trying around 2002 but I decided to go back to school for nursing so our plans were delayed. We started planning and charting in February 2005. When I got out of school in June we knew we'd start ASAP. We asked our donor in November and started for real in January 2006.

What was the starting point?

Charting was the starting point. M. did it all. She read books and researched. I started prenatals. Then came the 'yes' from our donor, all the contract negotiations and lawyers. It was slow for years and years, then felt shockingly fast from getting the 'yes' to that first insem.

And why did you decide on a known donor?

The big question.

I'm the one who has pushed to use a KD. I feel that using a known donor is the best way to provide a truly transparent process for our future child. He/she will always know where he/she came from and who was involved. I feel using anonymous provides too many opportunities for fantasy (my dad would treat me better) and it leaves too many unanswered questions. I don't like sperm as a commodity and feel that it leaves an elephant in the room. No matter how much sperm is looked at as a product, nothing will erase the fact that that sperm is attached to a real living and breathing person. Using anonymous puts a little distance on the reality that lesbians cannot create a family that is genetically linked to both partners without outside help but it doesn't erase it. I don't want to live with that elephant and I don't want our child to live with it either.

M. loses the most by using a KD. She is the one who has to talk to, have a relationship with and genuinely, truly care about our donor who offers what she cannot. She has worked so hard and sacrificed so much. To me she has truly created our child even if she doesn't offer half of the genetic code. No sperm could do more or offer more.

Using a KD has not made this journey easy. Sometimes the idea of a frozen vial of sperm in the docs office seems attractive compared to the interpersonal landscape that we have to negotiate on a daily basis. At the same time, I love my life right now even though sometimes it feels horrible, and I love our relationship with DtD, and I'm so glad that we made the decisions we did even if they have brought pain as well as joy.

The blog has more detail. You can read it as we go through it, from my bumbling request of DtD to the snafus in contract negotiations, from the first exciting, glorious insem with all it's potential to some very dark and bitter times as we realized this was not going to be as easy as we had thought.

We LOVE Our Doc!

We've gone to an OBGYN, we suffered through being lectured by Dr. Grandpa, we have lied to the fertility clinic and faced even more lying if we want access to having an IUI seven days a week, we have had our ability to manage our own risk questioned, we have faced a limited schedule for IUI because we want our TTC journey to be one of honesty.

Because we are using a known donor we constantly face limited choices and difficult decisions.

We went to see our family practice doc today, the one we've been seeing for seven years. She wanted to talk to us before giving us a prescription for Clomid. She also encouraged us to try IUI and we told her how difficult it's been. Then she says...

"Well, I can do it here."

After all we've been through, our doctor just blurts out that she'd be willing to do the IUI and will write the order so we can have DtD's semen washed. AND...she'll show M. how to do it so we can do IUI over the weekends. She'll give us a speculum and the IUI catheters. No additional STD testing. No additional questions. No harassment over using a known donor. No signing of liablity waivers.

She and the other docs had JUST noticed a whole drawer full of IUI catheters sitting around the office. Then we walk in...hmmmmmmm....

Did I mention that we LOVE our doc.

I swear, you get what you need in life but sometimes it takes some time and then you find things in the most unexpected places. Our doc is family practice and happens to deliver babies. We never thought she would do IUI, and she doesn't normally. But she's struggled with infertility herself, she's watched us go through our own TTC journey and she understands that much of what we're facing is rooted in homophobia. Finally we both felt supported and understood.

I cried when we left. For the first time in a long time I felt all this tension leave my body, and the first time in a week I cried because I'm happy.

Q&A Redux Part V

Questions from Anneloes...

I think I have read that you are both vegetarians. Does that have any effect (positive or negative) that you know of in getting or being pregnant?

Well, M. and I eat primarily vegetarian but we're not strict. We sometimes eat salmon at home. I also will sometimes eat meat if we're out to dinner and there's not a good veggie option or if someone else makes me dinner.

In the realm of getting preggers, being a veggie is six of one or half dozen of another...no effect. Well, except that I think eating vegetarian is very healthy and healthy is good for pregnancy, but you can have a very healthy diet that includes lean meats.

As for being preggers, the biggest challenge in being a pregnant veggie is to get enough protein. You can't really live on a diet of pasta and have to make very concious decisions about what foods you put in your body. I purposely don't eat much soy but when I'm pregnant I'll probably add more in for protein. Lots and lots of vegetarians have very succesful, well nourished pregnancies.

How do you decide what to share and what not? Where is that line for you? And has that line changed at all during this journey?

I think the line in sharing has changed a little for me, mostly around our donor's privacy. He's doing such an important thing for us and really trusting us in this process. I wouldn't want to hurt him in any way. This is the mama bear Taurus in me.

Other than that, my goal has been as open as I possibly can be about everything. Without honesty this blog would be nothing but window dressing on our lives. I'm not stuck living in the world just to make myself look good. I try to share everything, even when I'm feeling so raw that even writing about it hurts. The therapeutic use of the self.

But sometimes I have M. over my shoulder going don't say THAT....so she has a huge influence on what gets said, what doesn't get said (which isn't much) and how much I scandalize our readers.

How does Family Figure?

A little break from answering questions...

One positive about Taking Some Time to Get Pregant is that I've started opening up to my mother about our process and our pain. And this is what I found out.

It took my mother a YEAR to get pregnant with me, and she'd almost given up. My brother arrived 3.5 years after I was born and my parents weren't using birth control that entire time.

M. says that THEY (the ubiquituous THEY) say your mother's fertility has no impact on your own. Yet I see people around me who seem to have fertility as a family trait. Is difficulty getting pregnant something in MY family? In a way it made me feel better to hear my mother's story. At the same time, she was 25 when she started trying. I'm ten years older. It's so hard to know what to hold onto and what to throw away.

We see Dr. G. about the C word tomorrow. All my thrombophelia studies came back negative. We have DtD's paperwork in hand. We should be in the right place to do at least an unmedicated IUI next cycle as long as the timing works out.

Now all we need is a clown. Maybe my mom just never had a clown.

Q&A Redux Part IV

From Brooke:

Do you (plural) intend to (at the moment, anyway) have more than one child? If so, does M. plan on carrying in the future? And will she be using DtD?

Okay, if you have a blog where you write about your innermost thoughts and feelings, is there anything TOO personal left? I don’t think so.

Our plan all along has been to have at least two children, no more than three. Since number one is proving to be so difficult, the only way we’ll do three is if we have twins.

We each planned to carry, starting with me because I’d be easier (hardy, har, har). M. will go second and we’re working on getting her body in shape (and ovulating) so we can have a running start for #2. Unlike me, who has NOTHING WRONG (hardy, har, har), she has PCOS.

All this could change if we keep getting BFNs. We have yet to come up with a solid Plan B.

We would like to use DtD for both.

Q&A Redux Part III

From Tamsin (congratulations, by the way, both M. and I are so, so, so thrilled for you!)

How did you & M. first get to know DtD?

DtD comes to us through me. We've been friends for about three years now. This is one of the challenges of a known donor. They usually come through one person in the relationship or the other, so there is often an inequality in who is closer to the donor. M. and I have been working to close that gap between her and DtD, and it's getting smaller and smaller. That is one of the huge benefits of Taking Some Time to Get Pregnant.

How did you go about asking him to be your donor?

Ha ha ha! It was a rather funny experience, a comedy of errors. We decided we wanted him to be our donor, and it was left up to me to ask him because he's my friend. Let's just say that I think our boy and myself are two of the world's most introverted, closed off people ever created. Not masters at the art of verbal communication AT ALL. I can't remember how long it took me but I spent a lot of time hanging out with him talking about anything but being our donor. Standing in his driveway with him talking about laundry and dry wall. Calling him and spending an hour on the phone talking about NOTHING. Finally at the end of one of those long conversations (on the phone) I blurted out that I had something to ask him followed by an explanation of how crazy I can be sometimes. Then I told him that M. and I want to have kids, we'd like to use a known donor and we were wondering if he'd consider helping us. He initially said 'the answer is 'yes' but I have to talk to BF.' We had a final 'yes' about a week later. I'll always love him for getting back to us so quickly. He's been our go-to-guy from the start.

What degree of contact do you all plan to have once your baby/ies are here?

He has agreed to stay involved in the kid(s) life. Our plan is for him to fill an uncle role. He and BF really are good friends to us, we all live nearby and see each other often outside the insem cycles, so there's no reason we won't continue to be close in that manner. M. and I have agreed that in the least we will provide an annual update if for some reason we decided to withdrawl contact or things happen that cause DtD to leave the area. There's no way to know how this relationship is going to work out but I would like to see him and BF be a strong outside support for our entire family.

What is your favorite thing to eat at the moment?

Hmmmmm...I've been eating a lot of hummus and celery. M. and I just made a really really good blueberry pie for the 4th. I think the best thing I ate recently was a plate of veggies (yellow and orange bell pepper, par boiled carrots, green beans, cauliflower, roasted potatoes) and hard boiled eggs with a homemade garlic aoli. It was REALLY yummy!

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More questions? Post them here.

Q&A Redux Part II

I would love to see more pictures! Especially of you guys' home, places you go on a daily basis, etc.

Okay, here's a house tour. Each picture has comments with it.

Tour Our House!

Q&A Redux Part I

I'm trying to get pics up for Beth but Flickr is NOT being my bitch this morning. I'll start with Lisa's questions...

What have you learned about you and M. during your ttc journey?

Too much! I don't think we've learned anything shockingly new about ourselves or each other, but it has emphasized some things that I knew were there before.

We've both learned that we need to accept our response to grief and let it be what it is.

I'm stubborn. M. is stubborn.

It's frustrating using a known donor, despite all its benefits. It's the one thing we can't tweak constantly.

I've learned that I am a lot more stressed out and tired than I ever thought. I've always lived with a certain amount of baseline anxiety that I thought was acceptable but I'm discovering that it's really not.

I've also learned why TTC tears even the most stable couple apart. It's damn hard.

Do you think that all woman should have to go through a few bfn cycles before they are able to receive their bfp's?

I wish everyone would get pregnant on their first try (hello, population boom). I wouldn’t wish this kind of hurt and frustration on anyone. That said, it’s hard when people just get pregnant because that was supposed to be us. We were supposed to get pregnant after one or two, or even three tries. There’s just no way to ever have known it would take this long or become this difficult. It is a daily fight not to become engulfed by the pain and bitterness. The day I start wishing a healthy dose of BFNs on people is the day I become a dark and soulless person.

I’ll also say that that experience of failing over and over, while painful, has been a growing one. No one in this situation, not myself, M. or DtD, would be the same or have the same relationship if we’d gotten pregnant like we were supposed to.

Have another question for us? Post it here.

Q&A Redux

I did this a while back and maybe it's time again....give new and old readers a chance to find answers to anything you're curious about.

Q&A Time

Ask questions, any questions. We'll answer!

Support Group

I've decided M. and I are going to start a support group.

Sophia started one in NYC so there's no reason we shouldn't start one here in Seattle. It'll be for TTC lesbians who are Taking Some Time to get Pregnant (six tries or more). We can rent a room at the Seattle LGBT center for $15.00/hour and people who come can give a dollar or two.

The thing is, there's not a lot of support out there for this situation. So why not make our own? We need shoulders to cry on and people who understand how painful this is. We can share stories and strategies and eat food (I'm all abou the food!)

Are you in the Seattle metropolitan area and in this situation, or do you know of someone who is? Would you come to our group? Post if you're interested.

Bring in the Clowns

I read an article about some research done in Isreal about using clowns in infertilty clinics. Seems they increased their conceptions rates from 19% to 30% when the patients were entertained by clowns.

Clowns....hmmmmmm...

Maybe I need a clown of my own. After all, we do all kinds of wacky things during TTC. Why not bring in the clowns? M. thinks I'm crazy but she also knows that I really would walk into a clinic with a clown. Imagine it...M., me, DtD and our clown, Bubbles*. I want a real professional clown...you know, balloon animals and a tiny bike and a horn that honks and a flower that sprays water. Then if we got preggers, I would tell everyone...I never would have gotten pregnant if it hadn't been for the clown!

*M. says that Bubbles is not allowed to look up my 'hoo-ha' (her words, not mine).

Life of a Fatty

Yes kids, I'm fat. Morbidly obsese (oh, how I hate that term). Fatty fatty two by four (clearly I can get through the kitchen door since I do most of the cooking. Anyway, if you couldn't get through the kitchen door, chances are you would waste away from lack of access to the fridge).

I'm a fatty.

Most of the time I'm okay with that. I've spent a long time in this body and she and I have had to come to some sort of agreement. Otherwise I would have killed myself a long time ago, or I'd be a useless lump sitting in bed all day. To survive I have had to find a way to be okay with who I am at this exact moment. I guess I'm chosing being fat over being dead. Not everyone would make that choice.

I recently read an article about a study that said a huge, shocking, percentage of people would rather lose a limb or die earlier instead of being fat. This tells me two things. Some of those people have never been fat. Because it's not the end of the world. You can still have an active, healthy life. You can still wear cute clothes. You can still find love. The other thing it tells me is that the people who ARE fat are emotionally and mentally torturing themselves. That breaks my heart.

Oh, a third thing. I must be the only fat girl in the world who actually likes herself.

I have my twin niece and nephew to thank for my healthy outlook. When they turned five I was playing with them and one of them told me "you're fat". I was really hurt until M. pointed out that they were telling me the truth. And the truth set me free. I responded, "yes, I am fat" in a way that indicated that my body is as much a fact as my hair color or the fact that I like peanut butter and pickle sanwiches. That was it.

Yes, I'm fat.

The great thing is that admitting that I'm fat and being okay with it has allowed me to become healthy and happy. As a result, I'm actually losing a little weight. Amazing! Embrace the fat and the fat will set you free.

Hugs to all.